Posted on: December 9th, 2003 Family Guy quotes emporium
I just can’t get enough of family guy…here’s an example from the episode in which Chris gets a job as a paperboy and some old guy tries to get to lure Chris into his basement to…um….play chess? yeah, let’s just say that. XD
Anyhoo, that guy just leaves a few messages on the Griffin’s voicemail when Chris stops delivering the paper. the setup has completed…
Guess whooo… sorry to leave u so many messages… just lonely here thinking ’bout the mussley arm paper boy…wishing he’d come by and bring me some good news… oh you’re starting to piss me off you little piggly son of a bitch… call me!
Okay now it’s your turn, comment with your favorite quotes. If you don’t, I shall kill you.
98 Responses to “Family Guy quotes emporium”
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fry Says:
December 12th, 2003 at 9:55 pmdo u like popciles?
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fry Says:
December 12th, 2003 at 9:56 pmpopsicles*
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bwana Says:
December 13th, 2003 at 6:23 pmold man: “oh ..don’t make me beg now…”
chris: “nah, I gotta go! bye!”
old man: “get yo fat a– back here!”LOL. just got the volume two - season 3 dvds today. i am hurting myself laughing.
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James Says:
December 13th, 2003 at 6:28 pmThe gay neighbor man is funny as fuck.
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Euphoria Says:
December 13th, 2003 at 8:01 pm“Here, go buy yourself more money” ~ Peter
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fry Says:
December 15th, 2003 at 8:15 am“gays are a very clean people… and they have been every since they came over here from france.” - Peter
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Newt Says:
December 30th, 2003 at 1:14 pm“Fat chicks need lovin’ too, they just have to pay for it!”-Quagmire
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brendan Says:
January 1st, 2004 at 11:47 pm“TONY ROBBINS HUNGRY!”
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brendan Says:
January 1st, 2004 at 11:47 pm“TONY ROBBINS HUNGRY!”
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Akalon Says:
January 6th, 2004 at 10:55 amBrian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win. -
Emma Says:
January 10th, 2004 at 1:11 amStewie: Cut my eggs!
Butler: Your eggs are cut, sir
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can’t sir. It’s a liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! And if you question me again, I’ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won’t make it easy for you! -
emily Says:
January 10th, 2004 at 5:50 pm“If I’m a child then that makes you a pedophile. Ans I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and listen to a pervert.”
-Peter -
Jenni Says:
January 12th, 2004 at 2:37 amStewie: Isn’t It Funny How They Say “Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates”? Well In Your Case, Dear Mother, Life Is Like A Box Of ACTIVE GRENADES!!
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Jenni Says:
January 12th, 2004 at 2:37 amStewie: Isn’t It Funny How They Say “Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates”? Well In Your Case, Dear Mother, Life Is Like A Box Of ACTIVE HAND GRENADES!!
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Noah Says:
January 12th, 2004 at 4:45 pmStewie: What the deuce do you mean where are the bags, they’re right…RUPERT! You were supposed to be watching the bags! Oh…you were watching the boys again weren’t you??
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Shane Says:
January 12th, 2004 at 11:09 pmIm not saying she died when you stuffed those one dollar bills down her throat, and Im not saying she died when you hit her with the bar stool…I dont know, Im not a doctor. But I’ll tell you what didn’t kill her. Smoking.
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Andrew Says:
January 13th, 2004 at 6:26 pm“Lois, when I’m through with them, our kids will be so smart, they’ll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.”
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Andrew Says:
January 13th, 2004 at 6:26 pm“Lois, when I’m through with them, our kids will be so smart, they’ll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.”
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Aj Says:
January 13th, 2004 at 10:47 pmSTEWIE:Mother, Life is like a box of chocolate you never know what your gonna get. Your life however is like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!!! Now return my mind control device at once or be destroyed
LOIS:Awww sweetie you just want you toy..here you go
STEWIE:Yes well victory is mine (walks away.. bombs blow up) Ahhh damn you all -
Marinated Penguin Says:
January 14th, 2004 at 8:26 pmStewie: Oh my goodness! it appears that my wee wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
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Marinated Penguin Says:
January 14th, 2004 at 8:26 pmStewie: Oh my goodness! it appears that my wee wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
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Marinated Penguin Says:
January 14th, 2004 at 8:28 pmAnswering Machine: “Beep. Uh yeah I was just wonderin, uh, mmmhmm, where the newspaper boy was. Beep. Havent seen the newspaper in a couple days, wonderin if your ever gonna come back. Beep. Guess who! sorry to leave you so many messages, just lonely here, thinkin about the muscly arm paper boy, wishin he’d come by and bring me some good news! Beep. Where are ya? Beep. Ah your starting to piss me off ya little pigly son of a bitc*. Call me!”
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Martha Says:
January 14th, 2004 at 8:40 pm“I love this job as much as I love taffy, and I am a man who enjoy’s his taffy….”(eats taffy)
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Becky Says:
January 15th, 2004 at 1:59 pmPeter: Brian, there’s a message in my Alpha Bits. It says ‘OOO’!
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. -
Epsilon Says:
January 16th, 2004 at 8:33 amLois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they’re dead inside, they’re dead. And that’ll be our lives.
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Epsilon Says:
January 16th, 2004 at 8:35 amPeter: Make like Siamese twins and split… and then one of you die.
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Mark Says:
January 16th, 2004 at 11:45 amPeter: Hey, is the Count a vampire?
Brain: What’s that?
Peter: Well, he’s got those fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feedin’ on them?
Brian: You’re, you’re asking if they’ve ever done an episode of Seseme Street where the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah
Brian: No they’ve never done that. -
Chris53086 Says:
January 16th, 2004 at 12:42 pmQuagmire: Heh. How old are you?
Connie Damicco: sixteen
Quagmire: eighteen?!! Your first. Oh!
Connie: Mom.
Quagmire: I like where this is goin. -
eman Says:
January 17th, 2004 at 7:27 am“Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.”
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Troke Says:
January 18th, 2004 at 11:01 pmPeter: Brian, there’s a message in my Alpha Bits. It says ‘OOO’!
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. -
Troke Says:
January 18th, 2004 at 11:03 pmPeter: I don’t want your Mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like ‘I told you so’ or ‘Stop doing that I’m asleep’.
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Troke Says:
January 18th, 2004 at 11:04 pm“Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.”
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davidmay Says:
January 20th, 2004 at 2:31 amLois:Peter, you just ate a year’s supply of dehydrated food!!!
Peter:Well then it wasn’t very good, im still hungry *drinks water* Everyone leave, i have to poop…NOW! -
davidmay Says:
January 20th, 2004 at 2:33 amQuagmire:I’ve never done it with a spanish chick before, heh, heh…oooooooley!
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Sarah Says:
January 21st, 2004 at 10:26 pmsomebody find the quote where stewie is talking to himself in the mirror wearing lipstick…. you ALL know the one.. please!!
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Bob Says:
January 22nd, 2004 at 12:47 amStewie:”Oh, youre a bad girl, arent you? youre looking for a bad time, thats what youre after. you want it, and you dont care who you get it from, cause you have no self-esteem, and that gets you off, doesnt it.”
Lois:”Bad boy,stewie, look now, you got lipstick all over your fathers shirt.”
Brian:”wow, the evidence sure is mounting up.”
Stewie:”make whatever joke you want, you know i look good.” -
Kenny Says:
January 22nd, 2004 at 4:39 pmShatner: “Peter you’re a madman! Barefoot you say?
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Kenny Says:
January 22nd, 2004 at 4:41 pm“Well your eyes are too close together!”
“At least I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in MY pool”
“…wait, I have to draw you.” -
Kenny Says:
January 22nd, 2004 at 4:43 pmThe life of the wife is ended by the knife!!!!!
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Kenny Says:
January 22nd, 2004 at 5:11 pmOh god my duatunum!
eh heh, duty. eh heh, diahreah. hey Lois. Diahreah.
Peter I’m holding ice tee!You gotta help me out, I don’t know how to be black. You know except for not smiling in photos.
I don’t wanna go on rant here but America’s foriegn policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietem. I mean when a neo-conserverative defenestrates it’s like filibuster deomonohydroxinate.
what the hell does RANT mean.
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Lil Jon Says:
January 23rd, 2004 at 3:28 amRonald McDonalds daughter = “Bye dad”
Ronald Mcdonald = “Whoa whoa whoa! Were do you think your going with your face painted like that, u better go upstairs and change.
daughter = “But dad!!”
Ronald = ” Upstairs!! Your a Mcdonald….Not a Whore!” -
Lil Jon Says:
January 23rd, 2004 at 3:30 amdoes anyone one remember the quoe where stewie think sof being evil and hes like working a desk job and he talks 2 someone thats not on camera???
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Lil Jon Says:
January 23rd, 2004 at 3:48 amMan: It’s A JACKAL! A JACKAL! IS IT A JACKAL?! JACKAL! IT LOOKS LIKE A JACKAL! JACKAL! IT’S A JACKAL!
Lady: Time!
Stewie: *bangs head on table “It wasn’t Jackal the first time you said it, why the hell would it be one the next 10 times!..*knocks stuff over…GOD! -
chris Says:
January 23rd, 2004 at 11:22 pmFie on the Toilet, its made slaves of you all. Iíve seen it sitting in there, lazy slothful porcelain lay-about, feeding on other peopleís doo-dooís while contributing nothing of itís own to society. YOU GET A JOB!
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ozskunk Says:
January 24th, 2004 at 1:47 pmOh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know what’s good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.
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ozskunk Says:
January 24th, 2004 at 1:48 pmRemember, nothing says ‘good job’ like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
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christina Says:
January 24th, 2004 at 3:51 pmdeath: for if humanity knows i am no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequenses could be dire
peter: go on..?
death:thats it.. what the hell do you see in this guy? -
chris Says:
January 24th, 2004 at 4:57 pmOh gosh, thatís funny. Thatís really funÖdoÖdo you right your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. ëYou are the Weakest LinkÖGoodbye.í You know, IíveÖIíve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. Youíre the first. Iíve never heard anyone referenceÖreference that outside the program before. Because thatísÖthatís what she says on the show, right, isnít it? ëYou are the Weakest LinkÖGoodbye.í And…andÖand yet youíve taken that, andÖand used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God! What a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up withÖwith a joke like that all by yourself. Hmm. Thatís so fresh too. AnyÖany Titanic jokes you want to throw at me as long as weíre hitting these phenomenon at the height of their popularity, hmm? BecauseÖbecause Iím here. God youíre SO FUNNY.
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Exar Kun Says:
January 25th, 2004 at 11:07 ampeter sorry i don’t take coupons from chickens, not after last time
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Exar Kun Says:
January 25th, 2004 at 11:09 amguy: nice mellons
peter: hey wait..
lois: peter i am holding mellons
guy: nice hooters
peter: why you
lois: peter i am holding owls, apoligize
peter:i am sorry
guy: your wife is HOT!
peter: thats it! -
Andrew Says:
January 25th, 2004 at 7:50 pmsomeone find out the quote when stewie is dancing for the cheerleaders and then makes a reference about their “gully holes”
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jason Says:
January 26th, 2004 at 1:13 amcan any one help me…. i’m trying to find a quote by brian from one of the season three episodes… he has a great pick up line that’s kinda corny… email it to me at j_zhova@hotmail.com. thanks
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megan Says:
January 28th, 2004 at 4:32 pm“holy moly, it must be my birthday”
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megan Says:
January 28th, 2004 at 4:34 pm“fat man with his kids and dog
drove in through the mornin fog
hey there Rover
come on over
red headed lady reachin for an apple
she gonna take a bit-No
she gonna breathe on it first
wipe it on her blouse…
she takes a bite
chews it once, twice, three time four time five time
takes a good look at randy
fat old husband walkin over
there they go, walkin down the road. left foot right foot left foot right foot” -
Dustin Says:
January 29th, 2004 at 10:07 pmBaseball Players:
Player One: Hey, want some gum?
Player Two: Sure, ok.
Player One: …..haha, that was joke gum, now you’re addictited to Herion.
Player Two: haha….I’m so cold. (shivers) -
Russell Says:
January 31st, 2004 at 8:04 pmThe greatest quote ever.
Brian to peter”Insert rod A into slot B.(moment of silence they look at eachother) If you say that’s what she said one more time…”
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Joe Says:
February 1st, 2004 at 2:25 pmMaillady-Mr Quagmire I have a package for you
Quagmire- Hold ON
comes back naked
Quagmire-I Got A package for you too All right
Maillady sprays pepper spray
Quagmire-I’ve built up an ammunity Giggity Giggty -
Jess ChadBand Says:
February 2nd, 2004 at 1:14 amChris: “I’m Chris! I’m supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo….
OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?” *Runs away* -
Sychostud Says:
February 4th, 2004 at 12:12 amLois: Cmon Stewie, u know u cant leave the table until u finish ur vegetables.
Stewie: Well I guess I’ll just sit here until one of us expires, and u have got a whole 40 years on me woman.
Lois: Sweetie, its Broccoli, it good for u….now open up for the airplane….waaaoooonnnn
Stewie: Never, Damn u, damn this broccoli and damn the wright brothers.
Lois: My, are we fussy tonite, okay no broccoli
Stewie: Very well then, I..mmmm (lois stuffs broccoli into his mouth)…phuh (spits it out)..WHO THE HELL DO U THINK U ARE????? -
bob Says:
February 5th, 2004 at 7:08 pmi was wondering if anyone knew which episode the following quote came form:
Peter: “Hey look everyone, it’s Tupac back from the dead”
Stewie: “No, that’s just Ja Rule with a glock in his hands.” -
Josh Says:
February 7th, 2004 at 10:32 pmPETER: why do women have boobs? …so you got something to look at while you’re talking to ‘em. mahaha!
…so you got something to look at while you’re talking to ‘em. mahaha!
…so you got something to…. you wanted to talk to me Mr. Weed? -
Josh Says:
February 7th, 2004 at 10:39 pm(People holding picket signs “Free Tibet!”)
PETER(on payphone): Hello, China? I have something you may want, but it’s gonna cost you. That’s right…. all the tea.
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Josh Says:
February 7th, 2004 at 10:45 pmCuban Guy: “…Well, we would of sent you home earlier, but we didnt know you were ’stuck in the bathroom.”
Lois: “We weren’t doing what you think.”
Peter says almost immediately,
“I was.”
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Josh Gimbel Says:
February 7th, 2004 at 10:49 pmPeter: “Lois, it’s time u start living like the piece of smitt u are.”
Lois: “Thats Puetasmit”
*How the hell do u spell peutasmit??*
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Josh Says:
February 7th, 2004 at 10:50 pmPeter: “Lois, it’s time u start living like the piece of smitt u are.”
Lois: “Thats Puetasmit”
*How the hell do u spell peutasmit??*
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Josh Says:
February 7th, 2004 at 10:57 pm*Ok, this is my last one, I swear*
Peter: “Hey, hey, this is God’s house, so everybody just calm down. And besides, the patriots’ kick off in a few minutes.
Guy in Church: “Patriots suck!”
Peter: “Why you!”
Peter throws water at guy
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Scientist: “Holy Water? Where’s that acid i ordered?” -
David Says:
February 15th, 2004 at 4:53 pmmeg: have you lost weight? you gotta tell me your secret
brian: heres a little hint… PUT DOWN THE FORK, FACE! -
David Says:
February 15th, 2004 at 5:00 pmLois: so… how was your day?
Brian: my day? UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVEABLE. First, first we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughters doll. HER DOLL FOR GOD SAKE *takes a long drag of cigarete* wheres the line anymore? well i got news for you its its its not even on the radar screen. the days of decency and virtue are gone honey BAM! freakin evaporated like a dingy stinkin mud puddle. one one day you se-see your reflection in it and the next day its itsa itsa itsa dam* oil spot on your cracked driveway staring at you mocking you blah blah blah knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. THATS HOW MY FREAKIN DAY WAS -
katie Says:
February 17th, 2004 at 10:04 pm“”Ye and God said to Abraham you will kill your son Issac, and Abraham said I can’t hear you, you will have to speak into the microphone. And God said oh I’m sorry is this better? Check check check check. Jerry pull the high end out, I’m still getting some hiss back here.” -Stewie Griffin”
does anyone have the quote when stewie was up and he yelled back to lois i dont want to have to come in there?
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Nemmy Says:
February 19th, 2004 at 12:43 pm“Guns don’t kill people, dangerous minorities do.”
[Peter riding a circus elephant]
Peter: “Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.”Lois: “You should spend more time with our kids, Peter. And with me.”
Peter: “Uh, what could me and you do together?”
[Lois giggles]
Peter: “Lois. You’ve got a sick mind.”
Lois: “Peter, I’m talking about making love.”
Peter: “Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.” -
MiNeM Says:
February 22nd, 2004 at 2:36 pmwhats the eposiod when they say somethin like ‘tupacs back from the dead’
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Chibeh Says:
February 24th, 2004 at 1:04 amIS’ GON’ RAIN!
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the No Life King Says:
February 28th, 2004 at 12:17 amBlack Knight: Whats your fat ass doing here
Ass rider: Well he’s my only means of transportation, but i guess i do spoil him
Black Knight: Clearly You Do. -
cam0 Says:
March 2nd, 2004 at 5:13 am(Stewie Trying to call home)
-Stewie: Whats the number again??? OH YES 867-5309…no thats not it…DAMN YOU TOMMY TUTONE -
Me Says:
March 11th, 2004 at 4:04 pmmmm, thats it mr giraffe, get all the marmalade
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armion Says:
March 19th, 2004 at 3:59 pmMilk Milk Lemonade around the corner fudge is made…
All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don’t you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that’ll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there i will come to your house and I will cut you.
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Lauren Says:
March 19th, 2004 at 5:06 pmStewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.
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Ross Says:
March 23rd, 2004 at 5:57 pmFAMILY GUY QUOTES
The internet’s largest and most accurate family guy quote database
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Lynette Says:
March 23rd, 2004 at 11:33 pmWhy are all the dinosaurs extinct
Because u touch urself at night
~~~~~~~~~and~~~~~~
I hope her brother doesn’t have dibs on her
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a little less question a little more shut the hell up!
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less talkie more fetchie -
Cedrock15 Says:
March 29th, 2004 at 5:03 pmLois - “Peter just buy a car from the paper”
Peter - “Lois guy at work bought a car out paper, and 10 years later BOOM ! Herpes” -
Cedrock15 Says:
March 29th, 2004 at 5:06 pm(Griffins leaving need kids to be babysitted)
Lois - “Glenn can you watch the kids”
Quagmire - “Well im obligated to inform you that in accordance with megans law I …… you know what i’ll take the kids.” -
Anonymous Says:
March 29th, 2004 at 10:32 pm“IN SOVIET RUSSIA, CAR DRIVE YOU!!!”
“IN SOVIET RUSSIA, ROAD FORK YOU!!!” -
Laura Says:
April 1st, 2004 at 8:25 pmChris: Yo, did yall check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin-somethin but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she’s all about the bling-bling.
and another personal favorite..
Stewie: (After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli “airplane style”) Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers.
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KazamaJin Says:
April 3rd, 2004 at 8:44 pmI need to know what the name of the episode is in which Quagmire says,
Quagmire:”Now thats a women!!. Thats a house, thats a fish, THATS A BEE!!”
THANX
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Jim Says:
April 5th, 2004 at 11:32 pmMeow Meow Meow Meow! Skin Graft! Meow Meow Meow Meow!
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Jim Says:
April 5th, 2004 at 11:46 pmQuagmire: “Does this look like a Q to you?”
Chris: “God’s watching me do number two? Oh man, I’m a sinner. God’s a pervert.”
Peter: “Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes… nickels and boobs… money.”
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fry Says:
April 9th, 2004 at 10:39 pmKazamaJin: Mind Over Murder
“After punching a women he thought was a man at a soccer game, peter is placed under house arrest and dturns his basement intoa bar where meg becomes an acclaimed lounge singer.”
i got that from the back of the dvd, and i just relized that it was lois, not meg, that was the lounge singer… wuh oh!
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Dez Says:
April 12th, 2004 at 9:19 amPeter: “… and i gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez”
Brian (or was it Lois?): “Peter, Rosie Perez speaks terribly”
Peter: “Don’t be stupid, stupid! She talk good and everything!”p.s. can anyone remember which episode this was from, cos i wanna see it again & i can’t be bothered to trawl through all of them. Cheers.
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D Says:
April 12th, 2004 at 10:26 pmQuagmire: “I felt guilty once, but she woke up half-way through.”
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Tom Says:
April 14th, 2004 at 12:06 amFry, the Rosie Perez quote one was on tonight, it’s the Y2K one where Peter founds New Quahog around the Twinkie factory.
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Becky Says:
May 4th, 2004 at 12:24 pmPeter: I’ve been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I’m on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper’s.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn’t drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn’t eat cookies in the DAMN BED.
Ernie: Bert, you’re shouting again, Bert. -
Steve Says:
May 5th, 2004 at 1:28 amI can’t remember how it goes exactly, but here goes.
Peter- But stay away from the candy tree.
Tree- Your father is right to warn you, I feed on small children. -
matt Says:
May 5th, 2004 at 1:39 amstewie: now heres a question for you…is this a doody or a toblerone?
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matt Says:
May 5th, 2004 at 1:41 amquagmire: never had a spanish chick before. heh heh…ooooolaayy!
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anthony Says:
May 7th, 2004 at 6:24 pmPeter - “Attention new Quahogians, my dream for the future has finally come true. A chicken and every pot and a cap in every ass”
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Bozzy Says:
October 9th, 2005 at 11:22 am“You know, nothing says ‘Good job’ like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind!”
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tacoloco Says:
January 20th, 2006 at 6:52 pmQuagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through
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The B Man Says:
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 pmBrian:Peter what are you doing?
Peter: Smoking Crack
Brian: Where the hell did you get Crack from?
Peter: Blacks
Brian:What?!
Peter: Behind Black’s hardware store there’s a white guy selling it