}-{ello my future girlfriend

This is what I sound like. I am 11 years old. In the sixth grade. In New Mexico. Please PM me if I’m on Yahoo Chat. Bye. Thanks for stopping by.

No outside food or drink permitted, fuckers

Isn’t this the stupidest rule ever? Where do theaters get off that they think they can tell people what they can and cannot eat or drink. C’mon.

What, if you bring “outside food or drink” in a theater, you get arrested? Yeah, like that would happen.

So here is the homework assignment:

WHAT YOU NEED:
1. Food or drink
2. Digital camera or video camera
3. Find a movie theater

Once you have those taken care of, take a food or drink into a theater, and document your results.

Have fun!

Christmas With the Kranks

What the hell is so bad about this movie? It’s a little fluffy, sure, but if you honestly expected different, you’d have to have your head examined with a bullet. For real, this is a cute movie about what happenes when a couple’s only child finally isn’t home for a Christmas. It’s got plenty of humor. Some over the top, some not, but you really don’t care about the humor that’s over the top. It’s fluffy humor. Just laugh.

That said, why the hell was Luther Krank (TIM ALLEN) villified for “skipping christmas” by taking his wife on a cruise? That was the only thing that really pissed me off, having actually “skipped christmas” one year, 1998. It’s the most awesome thing. No presents, no decorations, no cards, and most importantly, no family. Just get out of town.

When you judge a movie, you have to judge it based on it’s genre, in this case, that’s comedy fluff, as comedy fluffs go, this was hilarious. But yeah, if you judge it on the Godfather, of course you won’t like this movie. Boy, I’d love to witness the reaction, “WHAT THE HELL, THIS AIN’T NO CRIME MOVIE!!!”

Stupid morons.

Enjoy the fluff.

From the holy crap department…

Who would have thought a car with more than 4 wheels could best a Porsche! I want to turn Japanese!

Sideways

This is a movie about a stuggling writer (PAUL GIAMATTI) and a struggling actor (THOMAS HADEN CHURCH) and their week long fun before CHURCH’s wedding. It is filled with many wine jokes and full frontal and rear nudity.

I never really liked Thomas Haden Church before, I mean, he was sorta funny on WINGS, but NED & STACY sucked ass, but he actually does a great job here. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got a best supporting actor oscar nomimation, although the role really is just being himself, since he really is a struggling actor. There’s many parallels to his actual career.

Paul Giamatti I have always been a fan of. Pretty much since I saw PRIVATE PARTS, and he really should get a best actor nomination here. His role was a little more difficult than Church’s.

So if you like wine jokes, full and rear nudity, see this movie. Wait, forget about the nudity, see this movie anyway.

Movies That I Saw That Do Not Warrant Their Own Post

SEED OF CHUCKY
Okay, what the fuck is this? Wasn’t this supposed to be a scary movie? Why did I laugh more than in Scary Movie?

TAXI
Jimmy Fallon + Queen Latifa = Not Funny, Just Retarded

AFTER THE SUNSET
This was almost good enough to get it’s own entry here, but it’s still pretty fluffy.

THE INCREDIBLES
I love Pixar, I mean, go Steve Jobs, this movie has some funny moments, but most were in the preview and Finding Nemo was better.

BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON
I didn’t even see this, nor do I want to. Renee Zelwegger is an ugly ho who can’t act to save her child from sudden death, let alone get me to laugh.

TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE
I laughed at the anti-Bush jokes, but there were too many anti-Kerry and anti-democrat jokes. Trey and Matt should have picked a fucking side and not tried to appeal to everybody.

NATIONAL TREASURE
It’s sad that Pixar has pwned Disney to the point where Disney is making live action movies now. Nick Cage is decent, nothing special.

MOVIES I STILL NEED TO SEE:

ALFIE
I HEART HUCKABEES
KINSEY
THE POLAR EXPRESS

So somebody give me money.

Britney Spears must die

Everybody tries to kill Britney Spears, rated R for gratuitous violence towards whores.

Alexander

I really don’t understand all the negativity over this Oliver Stone film. Most critics accuse Mr. Stone of attrocious directing, but that’s pretty far fetched. The acting could not have been better. Colin Farrell, Anthony Hopkins, Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie (who I normally hate), Jared Leto, and Rosario Dawson give magnificant performances.

Not only was the acting good, but the depictions of Alexander’s life were accurate. Right down to Alexander being a homosexual. Hey wait a minute, maybe that’s why most critics didn’t like this film…were they perhaps expecting a typical movie about a hero, and they got a realistic depiction of a man, a gay man?

Oliver Stone didn’t have every fact about Alexander in this film. He gave Alexander brown eyes, you know, because blue contacts for Colin would have broken the budget, I pressume. At least he had the blonde hair correct. There’s other facts that were left out, but I won’t mention them all. Instead, why don’t you go pick up a book.

The best part of this film BY FAR was the photography, the shots of the Himalayas, the shot of Alexander on horseback fighting an Indian on Elephant-back. That was truely gorgeous. Simply stunning.

So do not be impressed with all the JUVENILE remarks about this movie, you have to understand that the majority of america are homophobic and immature.

Need a pen? Go to Pen Island

I think it is very important where you order you pens, so I will make this really big.

www.penisland.net
(I would make that a link, but then it wouldn’t be so big, and you want your penisland to be big.)

iCal _can_ be funny

I recently set my iCal to display the movies that are being released into theaters, well the movies shown for tomorrow are, “A Very Long”, “Purple”, and “Guerilla”, and they appear in the calendar block in that order. Read them together and try not to laugh.

And last Friday’s funny iCal moment is “Days of The Bad Bridget”, I can’t make this up.

Magna Cum Laude

Leisure Suit Larry is back!

Holiday Eating Tip #1

I know you love stuffing. Don’t we all? But that does not give you any excuse to eat a whole can of Stoufer’s. Do not do that, and I am speaking from experience. A few weeks ago, I was hungry, okay, so I get hungry every day, okay so I get hungry every hour, but a few weeks ago, in one of these bouts of hungerness, I could not find anything to eat, and the more time that elapsed, the more– well you know, you get hungry too, don’t lie. Anyway, there was nothing to eat. I was looking through the pantry and came across a can of Stoufer’s, because, you know, nothing comes closer to home. The serving size was 6-8 people. Thing was, I was the only one there. While the voices in my head do contradict that previous statement, they cannot eat, so in all actuality, I was alone. So I ate that can of Stoufer’s, all of it. All of it. If you ever wanted to see true agony, then eat too much bread, you’ll get true agony. You have no idea how bloated I felt. I was literally stuffed!

So please, when Grandma asks you to pass the stuffing, give her the cranberries instead, because the only thing worse than a bloated Bozzy is a bloated grandma.

Interpreting Shit

I’m about to post something that has been around the internet more than child pornography, so don’t sue me for posting stuff that is not mine. I already said it’s not mine, so shut up.
More…

Skitzo Calypso is awesome

That band is extremely hardcore. Very metal, and they have some really crazy fans, they (the fans) were literally throwing each other around. It was funny. It’s a great thing that music makes people do that without embarrassment. I’d say that’s an emotional response, yeah.

Skitzo Calypso

Fletcher’s Bar is where it’s at this Sunday night

Gonna be back at that hot as hell club but fun anyway club this Sunday. Gonna be there with Lily, who is friends with the band, “Skitzo Calypso“. Can’t wait.

Be there or be square, fool.

I wish I could arbitrarily increase my credit limit

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush (news - web sites) on Friday signed into law a measure authorizing an $800 billion increase in the credit limit of the United States, the White House said. More…

How convienant is that? You never have to worry about paying anything back when you can always increase your credit limit! Why can’t I do this?

I need to be able to do this. I swear to God.

Ask Donate and you shall receive

Rampant cronyism alert.

WASHINGTON - One-third of President Bush (news - web sites)’s top 2000 fund-raisers or their spouses were appointed to positions in his first administration, from ambassadorships in Europe to seats on policy-setting boards, an Associated Press review found.

The perks for 246 “pioneers” who raised at least $100,000 also included overnight stays at the White House and Camp David, parties at the White House and Bush’s Texas ranch, state dinners with world leaders and overseas travel with U.S. delegations to the Olympics and other events, the review found. More…

Well, it’s not that bad, but oh wait, it is. Let’s appoint people based on friendships instead of qualifications. If you followed Project Greenlight, you’d know that’s the same thing which killed the first film’s chances of being at least a decent movie. Don’t hire your friends (for the crew) unless they’re qualified.

Don’t appoint your friends unless they’re qualified.

Must have been a slow year

Karl Rove is up for Time’s Person of the Year. I guess they needed another name and grabbed his out of hat, whilst drunk.

Two Unrelated Quotes

“I’m going to buy a Llama!” -Some lady I overheard today.
and
“All your hard work will soon pay off.” -It was in a cookie I opened.

This has been a lovely moment of zen.

Goodbye.

From the WTF column…

I just saw a bumper sticker that said “Proudly Marching to the Beat of a Different Kettle of Fish”, then I googled it and found out about this site, but it doesn’t answer the question, what the fuck is a kettle of fish? Who puts fish in a kettle? Let’s look up the word ‘Kettle’, ok?

1. A metal pot, usually with a lid, for boiling or stewing.
2. A teakettle.
3. Music. A kettledrum.
4. Geology. A depression left in a mass of glacial drift, formed by the melting of an isolated block of glacial ice.
5. A pothole.
from Dictionary.com

Okay, I do not think it’s a metal pot, unless they were really hungry and started singing about the fish they were cooking, and I know it’s not a kettledrum, that’s absurd. Could it be a depression filled with fish? Possibly. I know it’s not a pot hole, so you have to think it’s a depression.

Suddenly I have lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah, bumper stickers are stupid and decrease the value of your car. But if you insist, don’t have some pseudo-intellectual nonsense on it.