Breaking news: I’ve been a frequent shaver.

I shaved today. I shaved yesterday. And I shaved the day before yesterday. Yes, 3 days in a row! A new record! Something must be up!

Jesus, lighten up, people.

Mother of a 13 year old girl discovers MySpace.com. Invasion of her child’s privacy ensues.

“And their pictures are very provocative,” Marcy said. “There’s shots with their butt in the air, with their thongs sticking out of it. They squeeze their elbows together to make their boobs look bigger.”

Um, that’s how they act around their friends, it’s normal. It happened when you were in school, it happened when I was in school, and it still happens today. Get a fucking grip.
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Never buy anything from Jamster

Do NOT buy anything from Jamster, for three reasons.

A) The company’s board is ridden with child molestors and pedophiles.

B) Their internet ads are full of annoying sounds.

C) Their primary demographic is pedophiles.

So you don’t want to support them, because they support annoyance and pedophilia.

Buffalos roam free in Maryland

You can’t say nothing exciting happens in Baltimore County. The stupid owner of them is sending them to be killed, because he’s an ignorant redneck hick fuck.

Sin City

Okay, I finally caught up with everybody, I went and saw “Sin City” last night. I had high hopes, and they were not dashed, not one bit. The entire movie keeps you captivated on the end of your seat. I was captured.

The movie felt like three hours long, but I did not care. I think it was only around 2 hours, but I could have and would have sat for aother 2 hours. Some would say that “Sin City” is just a sequence of stories that barely fit into a puzzle at the end, but they’re wrong. They are fucking wrong. Watching “Sin City” is like watching a painter paint a masterpeice. Sometimes, it doesn’t even feel like these were real actors being shot with a camera. It was like a walking, talking comic book.

This movie is loaded with big name celebrities, but the one who really stood out and BECAME his character is Mickey Rourke. He totally became Marv. Unbelievable. Clive Owen and Nick Stahl also shined brightly. But Michael Madsen was overacting, I wasn’t satisfied with his performance at all. Why was Josh Hartnett in this movie at all? They could have found a cheaper, and not to mention better actor to play in his small role. I guess they just wanted star power, or maybe Robert Rodriguez just wanted to cast his friends. Oh well, didn’t hurt the movie that much.

I enjoyed this so much I think it deserves a second theater viewing. Robert Rodridguez is the man, and I love how he puts “shot and cut” or sometimes “shot and chopped” in the opening titles, I absolutely love how he shoots and edits all his movies. If any filmmaker deserves the “a film by” credit, it’s Robert Rodriguez.

Why did Paris Defriend Nicole? Let’s brainstorm!!!!!!!

As you all are aware, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are no longer dating, I mean, are no longer friends. How did that lesbian thought get into my head?!? Bad, Bozzy, Bad!

Okay, but why are they no longer friends? Paris said, “It’s no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends” and that “Nicole knows what she did.” Hmm…

So it has to be something obvious. It’s not a big secret and Nicole knows about it, and let’s face it, Nicole is a bit flakey, so it must really be obvious.

This has nothing to do with Paris or Nicole, or the whole situation, but I thought it looked cool:

What would be obvious? Did Nicole forget to feed Paris’ cat? Or maybe Nicole was walking Paris’ dog and the dog got loose and ran to the sanctuary of a moving car’s tire. Or maybe it had nothing to do with animals. Let’s say it had nothing to do with animals. What good stormin!

Let’s brainTHUNDERstorm some more!
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CBS has sunk to an all new low

They’ve gone to the locusts.

Ehrlich to stop pissing in the Patuxent River

Gov. Ehrlich has vowed to clean up MD’s waterways, and will no longer be urinating in the Patuxent River, after tonight at midnight, when his promise goes into effect.

Also, Ehrlich announces additional plans to improve Annapolis, the biggest being that every resident will own a PSP by the end of the year, and learn the ability to teleport by the end of the month.

That Ehrlich, he’s such a thinker!

Yesterday was 420, did you know?

Just kidding, I know you knew. But anyway, DC101 and LIVE1057 were endorsing illegal drug use all day. It warmed the cockles of my liberatarian heart.

Breaking news: BBC uses the phrase ‘Monkey nut’

Also, artist think’s it’s okay to key people’s cars, and he also consider’s it art! That monkey nut!

Ann Coulter Molests A Turtle!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Insane female columnist seen rescuing a trapped turtle, then disappearing.

WASHINGTON, DC– Ann Coulter, who was out on the streets promoting her latest book, “How to Spot a Liberal in TWO Easy Steps and Filet Them Over an Open Fire”, was seen coming to the aid of a trapped turtle in a storm drain. “I can’t help but help one of God’s little insiginifcant and helpless creatures, it’s what makes the GOP so grand, in point of fact, liberals would never bat an eyelash to save a defenseless creature like I just saved”, remarked the columnist as she held the turtle in her hands.

For those that do not know, Ann Coulter is a syndicated columnist and can be reached at the following website:
http://www.anncoulter.com/

The turtle, who’s name is, Mr. Turtle, named after that Tootsie Roll Pop Ms. Coulter loved so much as a child, denied our request for an interview. Ms. Coulter decided to speak on his behalf, “I just want to add that Mr. Turtle is one of God’s great defenseless creatures and watching that commercial growing up really taught me how to suck.”

What happened next shocked us all. She gave Mr. Turtle a big kiss, hugged it, ripped it out of his shell, “Stop being shy, the insane lady quipped at the turtle” and proceeded to put it put between her massive republican legs and um, you know… Mark Smith, BW News camera man said, “I tried to stop her, but she bit me. I may be pressing charges against that dumb slut.”

Ms. Coulter was last seen running off into the Anacostia River with the turtle under her arm, screaming, “I’ve got dinner, tonight!” We started to give chase, but the river was mighty full due to the amount of rain we’ve been having. We let her go.

If you or anybody you know has any information on the whereabouts of Ann Coulter, please contact the DC Animal Control at once.

Contact:
1201 New York Avenue, NE
(at the corner of New York Avenue and the Brentwood Parkway)
Washington, DC 20002
Telephone: (202) 576-6664
DC Animal Control

Catholicism, Wow!

Your new Pope is a former Hitler Youth. What? The former Nazi just wants some respect.

216-416-0033– What the fuck?

Somebody called my cell phone from the number 216-416-0033 (call it, you get static) and left a vulgar message. I did a search, and it happened to somebody else, same exact number.

But unfortunately, that link doesn’t help much. Any ideas?

Update: 7/26/2005

Reader mail!

i know this is random, but i am not a member of your blog, so i am sending you a myspace message.
i googled the relay number that prank called me this evening, the same one you got a call from in april. that relay number is a number you can find online somewhere, and use your computer to make relay calls. usually you have to have a certain phone to use relay, but this company lets you do it through a computer, thus allowing non-deaf people to make relay calls to other non-deaf people. i found out that it was my boyfriend’s little brother calling me, so chances are someone you know found the number and used their computer to call you. so its not some crazy person calling you. just thought i would let you know, that way you can maybe post a comment in your entry to let others know what is going on when they google and find your site. thanks!

-danielle

Ann Coulter is a Dirty Skank

That’s right, I went there. She’s dirty. If she was from Maryland, she’d be from Dundalk. That’s right, I went there as well… and came back with the smell.

TIME magazine has just made the leap from News to Porn. For more information on starlet Ann, head over to Media Matters For America.

I need another white russian.

The Dude Abides

Today I had to drop off my car at the shop to get the window fixed. Apparently it stopped going up, then wouldn’t go down, and then we had to slap it. It’s covered by the warranty, and that’s a good thing, considering the whole door needs to be replaced because it involves a welded part.

So I’m car-less (again), and for the first time in I don’t know long, I know for sure that I am not going out tonight. So I’m sitting here enjoying a white russian. Maybe I’ll pop in The Big Lebowski…

Why does this never happen when I need to fly?

US Airways sucks at the Internet, sells flights for only $1.86 plus fees. Way to go US Airways, way to go. You’re the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

IN OTHER NEWS…
Indians married two trees, need not fret, Tom DeLay, they weren’t both male.
Patient dies during heart surgery of heart failure, but we want to point out that it wasn’t because he caught on fire during the surgery.
Police officer: God damnit, who the fuck replaced all my cocaine with sugar?!
Worst written article of the year: Did they arrest the fans or the crew? It doesn’t say!!! BAD, WRITER, BAD!
This surfer doesn’t stop for sharks.
Soon you will be able to lick the screen and actually lick a porn star.
Update on the Wendy’s chicken finger story: Woman apparently got too close to a leopard, then decided to blame it on Wendy. (Thanks Jason)
Where the fuck is the red key?
This is the ultimate beer bong. I guess it is, I mean, who really knows?
Take me to your bugs: Or shall I say, Agathidium bushi Miller and Wheeler, Agathidium cheneyi Miller and Wheeler and Agathidium rumsfeldi Miller and Wheeler.

Again, keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing.

Mr. Rebbins, The Attack Giraffe!

A giraffe is going to come after me and kill me. You think I am being unreasonable, fuck you! You are being unreasonable, or at the very least, NOT BELIEVING! You did not have the encounter with Mr. Rebbins the attack giraffe! You have no idea what the fuck you are talking about! Mr. Rebbins is of super quality enigmatic porportions! Mr. Rebbins can run fast too, much faster than a measly human; 358.3 mph versus about 5. But we humans have the brains, right? Not so! Mr. Rebbins can read, in fact, he loves Ernest Hemingway and Ellen DeGeneres the best. He thinks Rosie O’Donnell is a fat cow, and he eats cows, so he likes her, “she tastes like yummy.” Or so he told me before he threatened to killed me for not doing making his makeup the way he wanted it. Well played, Mr. Rebbins, well played.

But anyway, not only can Mr. Rebbins read, he can also do other complicated mind tasks like: alphabetizing, laundry, washing the car, googling, feeding the cats and/or dogs, getting you past that level in San Andreas, and many other virtuoso-capable things. He can paint, be he would rather make other people paint. I was made to paint. That’s why I’m still alive. Mr. Rebbins said I had to paint his portrait or else! “He had to paint my portrait, or else!” So I painted Mr. Rebbins, and he said the nickname that his crew always called him was “the attack rebbins”, I told him that was stupid and he looked at me menacingly and told me to shutup and paint, but I changed it to “the attack giraffe” anyway…

… Oh my God, he found me, I don’t know how but he found me! I never told him I changed his nickname. Oh my God on a shit stick, he looks pis–

BLOGGING DIFFICULTIES…. please stand by.
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Ehlich Losing to O’Malley

A recent poll has Baltimore Mayor Martin O’Malley (D) ahead of Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich (R) 45-39% (+- 3%) in the possible matchup for Governor in 2006. LINK.

A finger is worth $100,000 dollars

That’s right, Wendy’s needs to find out who it belongs to! If you or anybody you know has any information, regarding the whoabouts of this finger, please call 1-800-EAT-WENDYS.

Thank God this man lives in Korea, or I’d have to give him a big head start…

In other news, this chimpanzee is SMOKING!

NEVADA to the hornys: You gotta pay us to jerk off.

If you’re 45, woman or man, please don’t expose yourself in public. Thanks. We’ve got teens and twenty-somethings for that purpose.

Yeah, but did they use baseballs?

I know a lot of stuff is considered art, but an umbilical cord?

I guess you can’t say the government never did anything for the ducks.

A fifteen year old girl can climb a mountain quicker than her daddy, because oh I dunno, she’s fifteen and he’s FORTY-EIGHT.

I will end on a sad note about Mike the headless chicken:
“He was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel.” Too bad Mike couldn’t be revived.

Alright, I’m out, keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing.

Wanna be startin’ somethin’!

“Security officers at the Santa Barbara County Courthouse search Michael for any metallic objects, because he said he wanted to be startin’ somethin’.”