Saturday, March 26, 2005

Your Band Sucks

Here's a little something I'd like to say is my contribution to the struggling musician, you know, how to make his band UN-SUCK and NOT SUCK.

1. Do not write your songs while you are inebriated. I know it feels good to be drunk or high, but this is not the ideal writing situation. You are not Edgar Allen Poe.
2. When you perform live, do not set the amp too high. If I cannot hear your vocals, there is no point in your songs even having vocals. I want guitar riffs, I want vocals. I do not want noise.
3. If I want to buy your CD, I will, you don't need to interupt your songs to tell me so.
4. See #1
5. Your band should never have more than 2 electric guitars. Put in a bass or a acoustic guitar, or hell, maybe even a keyboard. Mix it up.
6. If your band tortures small children and small animals (large animals and children okay), then nobody will want to see you perform live.
7. Shouting is not singing.
8. Being on key is important.
9. See #1
10. If you take off your shirt, don't throw it at people. It's sweaty. Ick. Just leave it on, it's very unlikely that your audience will be entirely female, so how about you not turn off any of the males in attendance?
11. Don't fall through the stage. I know it sounds obvious, but it's really important to mention. You won't look cool.
12. Bert and Ernie do not make good groupies.
13. Farting on stage is not cool. Unless it smells minty fresh.
14. If you're music doesn't incite riots in the crowd, keep playing poorly. It'll happen.
15. See #1

That's everything. Can't nobody say Bozzy never did nothing for the people. Keep playing good.

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