Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Ann Coulter Molests A Turtle!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Insane female columnist seen rescuing a trapped turtle, then disappearing.

WASHINGTON, DC-- Ann Coulter, who was out on the streets promoting her latest book, "How to Spot a Liberal in TWO Easy Steps and Filet Them Over an Open Fire", was seen coming to the aid of a trapped turtle in a storm drain. "I can't help but help one of God's little insiginifcant and helpless creatures, it's what makes the GOP so grand, in point of fact, liberals would never bat an eyelash to save a defenseless creature like I just saved", remarked the columnist as she held the turtle in her hands.

For those that do not know, Ann Coulter is a syndicated columnist and can be reached at the following website:
http://www.anncoulter.com/

The turtle, who's name is, Mr. Turtle, named after that Tootsie Roll Pop Ms. Coulter loved so much as a child, denied our request for an interview. Ms. Coulter decided to speak on his behalf, "I just want to add that Mr. Turtle is one of God's great defenseless creatures and watching that commercial growing up really taught me how to suck."

What happened next shocked us all. She gave Mr. Turtle a big kiss, hugged it, ripped it out of his shell, "Stop being shy, the insane lady quipped at the turtle" and proceeded to put it put between her massive republican legs and um, you know... Mark Smith, BW News camera man said, "I tried to stop her, but she bit me. I may be pressing charges against that dumb slut."

Ms. Coulter was last seen running off into the Anacostia River with the turtle under her arm, screaming, "I've got dinner, tonight!" We started to give chase, but the river was mighty full due to the amount of rain we've been having. We let her go.

If you or anybody you know has any information on the whereabouts of Ann Coulter, please contact the DC Animal Control at once.

Contact:
1201 New York Avenue, NE
(at the corner of New York Avenue and the Brentwood Parkway)
Washington, DC 20002
Telephone: (202) 576-6664
DC Animal Control

Ann Coulter Is A Skinny Blonde idiot

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