ACT ONE
Alright, so Friday at about 5:30 in the PM, I leave Columbia to go pick up Jenna in Pikesville. It usually takes about 25-30 minutes, it took 60. SIXTY FUCKING MINUTES. The reason? There was an accident on I-70 East. I must have been at a complete dead stop for 10 minutes at one point. Nothing was moving. Looking back it foreshadowed things to come quite nicely.
The traffic Gods AKA MD State Troopers finally cleared the cars to the side and traffic started moving, and I was able to speed on I-695 West to Liberty Road as traffic was moving mighty swiftly. I get on Liberty Road, make a right onto Washington Ave, then another right onto Millford Mill Road, and right before Reisterstown Road I get stuck behind an MTA bus. First it's picking up passengers, then the light turns red. After a couple grueling minutes, I am finally at Jenna's and she gets in the car and we head back to Randallstown to pick up Lily.
I told Lily I'd pick her up at 6:30, but it was 6:30 by the time I picked up Jenna, so we got to Lily's at about 7 in the PM. We stop at Walgreens to get cigarettes and Mountain Dew, and then head over to Reisterstown to pick up Liz. Once the last of the musketeers are in the car, we head back to I-695 West to Bel Air Road to go to a bar called the Mojo Lounge, where some local bands were playing. I didn't see much of the bands and I blame the bar. For they had a pool table upstairs. After about 40 minutes, we decided to leave to go to a pool (as in swimming) party in Lithicum, MD off of West Nursey Road. We leave Mojos and get back to the car, Liz has to pee. It's one of those really bad pees, apparently, and she could not hold it in. So she just pops a squat right then and there next to the car and tries to wonder up an ingenius new kind of toilet paper... she fails. Luckily for her, Jenna offers up her t-shirt, a t-shirt she will now never wear again, as toilet tissue.
ACT TWO
Liz finishes peeing and everybody gets in the car. We decide it's too boring to go back to Lily's house in Randallstown by simply retracing our steps, so we decide to take Belair Road AKA US Route 1 into downtown Baltimore and get on 95, then 695. Didn't take us too long to drive and we did get a nice crack tour. A very nice crack tour of Baltimore.
We get to Lily's and we all pee. Yes, we like to pee a lot. Driving makes me pee a lot, but I don't know what everybody else's problem was. Lily gets her swimming gear and gives Jenna some bottoms, which saved us a trip to Pikesville and gasoline. Not bad. We're about ready to go. But then one of Lily's 12 cats (Yup, she's a cat lady), Midas, goes missing and we're all walking around her neighbor's yard trying to find the poor bugger. Oh, did I say we? I meant Lily, Liz, and Jenna. I was pacing around at how stupid it was to be calling for a cat when you're just making it more scared. And yes, the cat never came.
After an HOUR they finally gave up and I was excited that I actually got to put the keys in the car. We left Lily's at about midnight and we stopped at a 7-11 near her house to get money and then a liquor store, as this pool party was pretty much BYOB. Then it was onward to Glen Burnie, or whatever town it's called that's around West Nursery Road. Glen Burnie? Lithicum? One of those. I don't fucking know. I prefer redneck central. Oh yeah, Midas did return after everybody left. So, I won.
ACT THREE
We get to the party and there's tons of people outside the house. I'm thinking this party is huge and it's gonna get loud and everybody's probably drinking illegally and it can only end badly. Well, nothing like that happened, although I did get to see a 50-something year old penis, and a week later, it's still etch-a-sketched into my skull. But somehow, as we enter this redneck house, most of the party goers are leaving. It's just us four and like 12 drunk men. Recipe for fun, eh?
BTW, the first thing I see when we walk onto the property is A FUCKING CONFEDERATE FLAG. I'm thinking, "Oh shit, I'm going to kill somebody tonight." Fucking stupid ignorant redneck fuckers and their loser flags. I take a deep breath and count to forty million in my head in under a minute and it seemed to calm me down... nobody died.
We walk down into the basement, which is the thing to do when you go to a redneck place of dwelling, and I think the builders were high on crack at the time, because the ceiling was way too low. I had to instantly make myself 2 feet shorter. It was at the amusment of my friends, but then again, everything I do is at their amusement. So yeah, we're in the redneck basement. We sit down for a minute, not because we were tired and needed the rest, but because of THE FUCKING LOW CEILING! Then apparently Jenna and Liz wanted to go upstairs and drink. I follow. But I first have to pee. Yes, I actually had to pee again. Shutup. Shut the fuck up about me and my bladder!
I go upstairs to the second floor room (I didn't think rednecks could have more than one floor and these ones had three) but the door is locked. Naturally I knock on the door. "Who is it?" Some guy asked. I told them it was James. "Don't know no James, go away." Yes, I even quoted the bad grammar. I got pissed off. I'm invited to a fucking party and they tell me to go away? Pft. I knock again. "GO AWAY!" So I do. I walk out of the house and around the neighborhood for an hour being fucking pissed off. I called Liz's cell phone to inform her and Jenna that I left. They seemed confused and thought I was acting like an ass when it was the redneck drunkards who were, but it's kosher and copasetic, as I got some good exercise and cooled off so I wouldn't have committed any crimes of passion.
I come back to the party and Lily and Jenna are in the pool and Liz is drunk off her ass. There's like 7 guys who are egging Lily and Jenna on to take everything off, and I was getting pissed off fast. I pretended like I didn't care, because the last thing I needed was some confederate flag waving drunk motherfucker to be all up in my cocoa puffs, but I was building up tons of anger for this place very quickly.
The drunk guys were growing hornier and hornier so Jenna and Lily got out of the pool and got dressed, as in put their DRY CLOTHES back on over there swimming gear. They never took anything off, well except there tops. They gave in a bit. Anyhoo, somehow Jenna wound up back upstairs with one of them and when Liz told me that, I ran up the steps and told Jenna it was time to go. That guy knew she had a boyfriend, and was still trying to get in her pants. Granted, he was plastered, but still. I have to defend my best friend's vulva. Have to. Call me controlling, I don't fucking care.
ACT FOUR
Do you know women? Then you know that when you leave it is always at least 20 minutes from when it was originally supposed to occur. Nonetheless, we eventually got in the car and headed back. We had to get off 695 at Wilkens Ave, near UMBC, because Liz had to pee. Yes, peeing was a recurring issue tonight. We pull over and she and Jenna both pop squats. A UMBC cop pulls up behind us, probably because I had my hazard's on, and sits in his car for a minute, then backs up and leaves. He probably thought we needed help, then saw two female's pissing, and changed his mind. At least I hope so.
We're relieved that the campus cop guy left, and Jenna's and Liz's bladders are relieved, so we decided we better jet away as soon as possible just in case he decides to come back. We took 195 back to 695 but we didn't get much further, Liz had to pee again. I'm not even joking here. She really had to pee again and it was at most 5 minutes later. We took the 40 West exit and Liz tinkled at Double TT Diner.
But get this, she also had to throw up, and we thought she did that at Double T as well, but alas, this was not the case. While we were on the exit from 40 to 695 (which is like one minute from Double T), she has to puke. Big problem. There's no where to pull over. I speed up to get off the ramp and onto the shoulder off of 695, doesn't work. She pukes in the car. ALL OVER THE FRONT PASSENGERS SEAT AND FLOOR. Oh yeah, and the door. And my CD case. Thank God it was zipper'd up. But yeah, the car was (we cleaned it up some later that night and I did a thorough job the next morning) in ruins. The smell was atrocious. Lily needed to get out of the car because it was making her want to puke, and I wasn't far off. After Liz was pretty sure she was done and didn't have food left in her, we sped down 695, got on 795, and went to Liz's house in Reisterstown where we cleaned the car with two bath towels and Jenna's shirt aka the ingenius new kind of toilet paper. She truly does not care about that shirt anymore. It's still sitting in the parking lot at Liz's place.
FINAL ACT
Jenna and I drop Lily and Liz off at Liz's and clean the car before we leave. While we (we as in Jenna)were cleaning up the puke, we as in both of us decide that we need to go to our one and only safe haven and refuge... DENNY'S! We get to the one off of Reisterstown Road at about 4AM, which was nothing new to us, but the incredible night we had did nothing to prepare us for what was to come next.
Jenna and I are in Denny's and we order. Everything is fine. We're chillaxin' and just simply recalling the events of the evening/night/morning we had, when this guy, who had to be in his early twenties, in the booth behind us, turns around and starts screaming about how much he loves OCEAN CITY. He asked us if we were just there. We told him no, that we were at a pool party, and he still asked us if we saw "THAT WAVE ON 28TH STREET!" We weren't there, we replied. At this point we know he was fucking drunk off his ass. He pulled up a chair and sat at our booth and was going on about how much he loves OCEAN CITY and THAT WAVE ON 28TH STREET. He was SCREAMING all of this.
"Dude oh my God, did you see THAT WAVE? That wave on 28th? THAT WAVE ON 28th STREET?" -Drunk man at Denny's
The other patrons and waiters were so taken aback by his behavior they didn't know what to do. He then started screaming at how much he loves Denny's. "I FUCKING LOVE DENNY'S, don't you guys?" We played along and said yes, since we do love Denny's, but then he said we hate Denny's and that hurt. That hurt bad. At this point we started eating fast so we could leave, well Jenna started eating fast, I only had coffee so I was just sipping fast. The drunkard saw all I had was coffee and accused me of hating Denny's food and offered to buy me a Moons Over My Hammy, the sandwich he had, AND WAS EATING RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. Literally taking BITES right IN FRONT of MY FACE. I had two containers of creamer (because I play that 'flip the creamer game' with my fingers... and the creamer) and almost threw them at him. But I didn't. I have self-control.
The waitress rushed us our check and we left, but he hugged Jenna AND WOULD NOT LET GO. I was even more tempted to KICK HIS ASS, but I didn't. The waitress thanked me for not starting a fight and apologized for his behavior, and we left Denny's. We ran to the car and said, "We have to get the fuck out of Dodge."
I dropped Jenna off and went home. The sun was out on my drive home. We had been out all fucking night. All I needed now was somebody say to me, "Yeah, but who's Ruby?"
OMG I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT.....I will never forget that for as long as I fucking live.
ReplyDeleteTHAT WAVE!!!! THAT WAVE ON 28TH!!!
I cry inside to think of it.
Do you want a Moon's Over My Hammy?
ReplyDelete