Family Guy quotes emporium

I just can't get enough of family's an example from the episode in which Chris gets a job as a paperboy and some old guy tries to get to lure Chris into his basement chess? yeah, let's just say that. XD

Anyhoo, that guy just leaves a few messages on the Griffin's voicemail when Chris stops delivering the paper. the setup has completed...

Guess whooo... sorry to leave u so many messages... just lonely here thinking 'bout the mussley arm paper boy...wishing he'd come by and bring me some good news... oh you're starting to piss me off you little piggly son of a bitch... call me!

Okay now it's your turn, comment with your favorite quotes. If you don't, I shall kill you.


  1. old man: "oh ..don't make me beg now..."
    chris: "nah, I gotta go! bye!"
    old man: "get yo fat a-- back here!"

    LOL. just got the volume two - season 3 dvds today. i am hurting myself laughing.

  2. The gay neighbor man is funny as fuck.

  3. "Here, go buy yourself more money" ~ Peter

  4. "gays are a very clean people... and they have been every since they came over here from france." - Peter

  5. "Fat chicks need lovin' too, they just have to pay for it!"-Quagmire



  8. Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
    Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

  9. Stewie: Cut my eggs!
    Butler: Your eggs are cut, sir
    Stewie: Cut my milk!
    Butler: I can't sir. It's a liquid.
    Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it! And if you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won't make it easy for you!

  10. "If I'm a child then that makes you a pedophile. Ans I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and listen to a pervert."

  11. Stewie: Isn't It Funny How They Say "Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates"? Well In Your Case, Dear Mother, Life Is Like A Box Of ACTIVE HAND GRENADES!!

  12. Stewie: Isn't It Funny How They Say "Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates"? Well In Your Case, Dear Mother, Life Is Like A Box Of ACTIVE GRENADES!!

  13. Stewie: What the deuce do you mean where are the bags, they're right...RUPERT! You were supposed to be watching the bags! were watching the boys again weren't you??

  14. Im not saying she died when you stuffed those one dollar bills down her throat, and Im not saying she died when you hit her with the bar stool...I dont know, Im not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her. Smoking.

  15. "Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself."

  16. "Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself."

  17. STEWIE:Mother, Life is like a box of chocolate you never know what your gonna get. Your life however is like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!!! Now return my mind control device at once or be destroyed
    LOIS:Awww sweetie you just want you you go
    STEWIE:Yes well victory is mine (walks away.. bombs blow up) Ahhh damn you all

  18. Stewie: Oh my goodness! it appears that my wee wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!

  19. Stewie: Oh my goodness! it appears that my wee wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!

  20. Answering Machine: "Beep. Uh yeah I was just wonderin, uh, mmmhmm, where the newspaper boy was. Beep. Havent seen the newspaper in a couple days, wonderin if your ever gonna come back. Beep. Guess who! sorry to leave you so many messages, just lonely here, thinkin about the muscly arm paper boy, wishin he'd come by and bring me some good news! Beep. Where are ya? Beep. Ah your starting to piss me off ya little pigly son of a bitc*. Call me!"

  21. "I love this job as much as I love taffy, and I am a man who enjoy's his taffy...."(eats taffy)

  22. Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'!
    Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

  23. Lois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside, they're dead. And that'll be our lives.

  24. Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.

  25. Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire?
    Brain: What's that?
    Peter: Well, he's got those fangs. Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feedin' on them?
    Brian: You're, you're asking if they've ever done an episode of Seseme Street where the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
    Peter: Yeah
    Brian: No they've never done that.

  26. Quagmire: Heh. How old are you?
    Connie Damicco: sixteen
    Quagmire: eighteen?!! Your first. Oh!
    Connie: Mom.
    Quagmire: I like where this is goin.

  27. "Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually."

  28. Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'!
    Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

  29. "Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie."

  30. Peter: I don't want your Mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like 'I told you so' or 'Stop doing that I'm asleep'.

  31. Lois:Peter, you just ate a year's supply of dehydrated food!!!
    Peter:Well then it wasn't very good, im still hungry *drinks water* Everyone leave, i have to poop...NOW!

  32. Quagmire:I've never done it with a spanish chick before, heh, heh...oooooooley!

  33. somebody find the quote where stewie is talking to himself in the mirror wearing lipstick.... you ALL know the one.. please!!

  34. Stewie:"Oh, youre a bad girl, arent you? youre looking for a bad time, thats what youre after. you want it, and you dont care who you get it from, cause you have no self-esteem, and that gets you off, doesnt it."
    Lois:"Bad boy,stewie, look now, you got lipstick all over your fathers shirt."
    Brian:"wow, the evidence sure is mounting up."
    Stewie:"make whatever joke you want, you know i look good."

  35. Shatner: "Peter you're a madman! Barefoot you say?

  36. "Well your eyes are too close together!"
    "At least I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in MY pool"
    "...wait, I have to draw you."

  37. The life of the wife is ended by the knife!!!!!

  38. Oh god my duatunum!

    eh heh, duty. eh heh, diahreah. hey Lois. Diahreah.
    Peter I'm holding ice tee!

    You gotta help me out, I don't know how to be black. You know except for not smiling in photos.

    I don't wanna go on rant here but America's foriegn policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietem. I mean when a neo-conserverative defenestrates it's like filibuster deomonohydroxinate.

    what the hell does RANT mean.

  39. Ronald McDonalds daughter = "Bye dad"
    Ronald Mcdonald = "Whoa whoa whoa! Were do you think your going with your face painted like that, u better go upstairs and change.
    daughter = "But dad!!"
    Ronald = " Upstairs!! Your a Mcdonald....Not a Whore!"

  40. does anyone one remember the quoe where stewie think sof being evil and hes like working a desk job and he talks 2 someone thats not on camera???

    Lady: Time!
    Stewie: *bangs head on table "It wasn't Jackal the first time you said it, why the hell would it be one the next 10 times!..*knocks stuff over...GOD!

  42. Fie on the Toilet, its made slaves of you all. Iíve seen it sitting in there, lazy slothful porcelain lay-about, feeding on other peopleís doo-dooís while contributing nothing of itís own to society. YOU GET A JOB!

  43. Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.

  44. Remember, nothing says 'good job' like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

  45. death: for if humanity knows i am no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequenses could be dire
    peter: go on..?
    death:thats it.. what the hell do you see in this guy?

  46. Oh gosh, thatís funny. Thatís really funÖdoÖdo you right your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. ëYou are the Weakest LinkÖGoodbye.í You know, IíveÖIíve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. Youíre the first. Iíve never heard anyone referenceÖreference that outside the program before. Because thatísÖthatís what she says on the show, right, isnít it? ëYou are the Weakest LinkÖGoodbye.í And...andÖand yet youíve taken that, andÖand used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God! What a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up withÖwith a joke like that all by yourself. Hmm. Thatís so fresh too. AnyÖany Titanic jokes you want to throw at me as long as weíre hitting these phenomenon at the height of their popularity, hmm? BecauseÖbecause Iím here. God youíre SO FUNNY.

  47. peter sorry i don't take coupons from chickens, not after last time

  48. guy: nice mellons
    peter: hey wait..
    lois: peter i am holding mellons
    guy: nice hooters
    peter: why you
    lois: peter i am holding owls, apoligize
    peter:i am sorry
    guy: your wife is HOT!
    peter: thats it!

  49. someone find out the quote when stewie is dancing for the cheerleaders and then makes a reference about their "gully holes"

  50. can any one help me.... i'm trying to find a quote by brian from one of the season three episodes... he has a great pick up line that's kinda corny... email it to me at thanks

  51. "holy moly, it must be my birthday"

  52. "fat man with his kids and dog
    drove in through the mornin fog
    hey there Rover
    come on over
    red headed lady reachin for an apple
    she gonna take a bit-No
    she gonna breathe on it first
    wipe it on her blouse...
    she takes a bite
    chews it once, twice, three time four time five time
    takes a good look at randy
    fat old husband walkin over
    there they go, walkin down the road. left foot right foot left foot right foot"

  53. Baseball Players:
    Player One: Hey, want some gum?
    Player Two: Sure, ok.
    Player One: .....haha, that was joke gum, now you're addictited to Herion.
    Player Two: haha....I'm so cold. (shivers)

  54. The greatest quote ever.

    Brian to peter"Insert rod A into slot B.(moment of silence they look at eachother) If you say that's what she said one more time..."

  55. Maillady-Mr Quagmire I have a package for you
    Quagmire- Hold ON
    comes back naked
    Quagmire-I Got A package for you too All right
    Maillady sprays pepper spray
    Quagmire-I've built up an ammunity Giggity Giggty

  56. Chris: "I'm Chris! I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo....
    OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" *Runs away*

  57. Lois: Cmon Stewie, u know u cant leave the table until u finish ur vegetables.
    Stewie: Well I guess I'll just sit here until one of us expires, and u have got a whole 40 years on me woman.
    Lois: Sweetie, its Broccoli, it good for open up for the airplane....waaaoooonnnn
    Stewie: Never, Damn u, damn this broccoli and damn the wright brothers.
    Lois: My, are we fussy tonite, okay no broccoli
    Stewie: Very well then, I..mmmm (lois stuffs broccoli into his mouth)...phuh (spits it out)..WHO THE HELL DO U THINK U ARE?????

  58. i was wondering if anyone knew which episode the following quote came form:
    Peter: "Hey look everyone, it's Tupac back from the dead"
    Stewie: "No, that's just Ja Rule with a glock in his hands."

  59. PETER: why do women have boobs? you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. mahaha! you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em. mahaha! you got something to.... you wanted to talk to me Mr. Weed?

  60. (People holding picket signs "Free Tibet!")

    PETER(on payphone): Hello, China? I have something you may want, but it's gonna cost you. That's right.... all the tea.

  61. Cuban Guy: "...Well, we would of sent you home earlier, but we didnt know you were 'stuck in the bathroom."

    Lois: "We weren't doing what you think."

    Peter says almost immediately,

    "I was."

  62. Peter: "Lois, it's time u start living like the piece of smitt u are."

    Lois: "Thats Puetasmit"

    *How the hell do u spell peutasmit??*

  63. Peter: "Lois, it's time u start living like the piece of smitt u are."

    Lois: "Thats Puetasmit"

    *How the hell do u spell peutasmit??*

  64. *Ok, this is my last one, I swear*

    Peter: "Hey, hey, this is God's house, so everybody just calm down. And besides, the patriots' kick off in a few minutes.

    Guy in Church: "Patriots suck!"

    Peter: "Why you!"

    Peter throws water at guy
    Scientist: "Holy Water? Where's that acid i ordered?"

  65. meg: have you lost weight? you gotta tell me your secret
    brian: heres a little hint... PUT DOWN THE FORK, FACE!

  66. Lois: so... how was your day?
    Brian: my day? UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVEABLE. First, first we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughters doll. HER DOLL FOR GOD SAKE *takes a long drag of cigarete* wheres the line anymore? well i got news for you its its its not even on the radar screen. the days of decency and virtue are gone honey BAM! freakin evaporated like a dingy stinkin mud puddle. one one day you se-see your reflection in it and the next day its itsa itsa itsa dam* oil spot on your cracked driveway staring at you mocking you blah blah blah knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. THATS HOW MY FREAKIN DAY WAS

  67. ""Ye and God said to Abraham you will kill your son Issac, and Abraham said I can't hear you, you will have to speak into the microphone. And God said oh I'm sorry is this better? Check check check check. Jerry pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here." -Stewie Griffin"

    does anyone have the quote when stewie was up and he yelled back to lois i dont want to have to come in there?

  68. "Guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do."

    [Peter riding a circus elephant]
    Peter: "Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change."

    Lois: "You should spend more time with our kids, Peter. And with me."
    Peter: "Uh, what could me and you do together?"
    [Lois giggles]
    Peter: "Lois. You've got a sick mind."
    Lois: "Peter, I'm talking about making love."
    Peter: "Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money."

  69. whats the eposiod when they say somethin like 'tupacs back from the dead'

  70. Black Knight: Whats your fat ass doing here
    Ass rider: Well he's my only means of transportation, but i guess i do spoil him
    Black Knight: Clearly You Do.

  71. (Stewie Trying to call home)
    -Stewie: Whats the number again??? OH YES thats not it...DAMN YOU TOMMY TUTONE

  72. mmm, thats it mr giraffe, get all the marmalade

  73. Milk Milk Lemonade around the corner fudge is made...

    All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there i will come to your house and I will cut you.

  74. Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.


    The internet's largest and most accurate family guy quote database

  76. Why are all the dinosaurs extinct
    Because u touch urself at night
    I hope her brother doesn't have dibs on her
    a little less question a little more shut the hell up!
    less talkie more fetchie

  77. Lois - "Peter just buy a car from the paper"
    Peter - "Lois guy at work bought a car out paper, and 10 years later BOOM ! Herpes"

  78. (Griffins leaving need kids to be babysitted)
    Lois - "Glenn can you watch the kids"
    Quagmire - "Well im obligated to inform you that in accordance with megans law I ...... you know what i'll take the kids."


  80. Chris: Yo, did yall check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin-somethin but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.

    and another personal favorite..

    Stewie: (After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style") Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers.

  81. I need to know what the name of the episode is in which Quagmire says,

    Quagmire:"Now thats a women!!. Thats a house, thats a fish, THATS A BEE!!"


  82. Meow Meow Meow Meow! Skin Graft! Meow Meow Meow Meow!

  83. Quagmire: "Does this look like a Q to you?"

    Chris: "God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner. God's a pervert."

    Peter: "Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money."

  84. KazamaJin: Mind Over Murder

    "After punching a women he thought was a man at a soccer game, peter is placed under house arrest and dturns his basement intoa bar where meg becomes an acclaimed lounge singer."

    i got that from the back of the dvd, and i just relized that it was lois, not meg, that was the lounge singer... wuh oh!

  85. Peter: "... and i gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez"
    Brian (or was it Lois?): "Peter, Rosie Perez speaks terribly"
    Peter: "Don't be stupid, stupid! She talk good and everything!"

    p.s. can anyone remember which episode this was from, cos i wanna see it again & i can't be bothered to trawl through all of them. Cheers.

  86. Quagmire: "I felt guilty once, but she woke up half-way through."

  87. Fry, the Rosie Perez quote one was on tonight, it's the Y2K one where Peter founds New Quahog around the Twinkie factory.

  88. Peter: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
    Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.
    Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
    [Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
    Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
    Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
    Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.
    Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

  89. I can't remember how it goes exactly, but here goes.

    Peter- But stay away from the candy tree.
    Tree- Your father is right to warn you, I feed on small children.

  90. stewie: now heres a question for this a doody or a toblerone?

  91. quagmire: never had a spanish chick before. heh heh...ooooolaayy!

  92. Peter - "Attention new Quahogians, my dream for the future has finally come true. A chicken and every pot and a cap in every ass"

  93. "You know, nothing says 'Good job' like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind!"

  94. Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through

  95. Brian:Peter what are you doing?

    Peter: Smoking Crack

    Brian: Where the hell did you get Crack from?

    Peter: Blacks


    Peter: Behind Black's hardware store there's a white guy selling it


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