Showing posts from November, 2004

}-{ello my future girlfriend

This is what I sound like. I am 11 years old. In the sixth grade. In New Mexico. Please PM me if I'm on Yahoo Chat. Bye. Thanks for stopping by.

No outside food or drink permitted, fuckers

Isn't this the stupidest rule ever? Where do theaters get off that they think they can tell people what they can and cannot eat or drink. C'mon. What, if you bring "outside food or drink" in a theater, you get arrested? Yeah, like that would happen. So here is the homework assignment: WHAT YOU NEED: 1. Food or drink 2. Digital camera or video camera 3. Find a movie theater Once you have those taken care of, take a food or drink into a theater, and document your results. Have fun!

Christmas With the Kranks

What the hell is so bad about this movie ? It's a little fluffy, sure, but if you honestly expected different, you'd have to have your head examined with a bullet. For real, this is a cute movie about what happenes when a couple's only child finally isn't home for a Christmas. It's got plenty of humor. Some over the top, some not, but you really don't care about the humor that's over the top. It's fluffy humor. Just laugh. That said, why the hell was Luther Krank (TIM ALLEN) villified for "skipping christmas" by taking his wife on a cruise? That was the only thing that really pissed me off, having actually "skipped christmas" one year, 1998. It's the most awesome thing. No presents, no decorations, no cards, and most importantly, no family. Just get out of town. When you judge a movie, you have to judge it based on it's genre, in this case, that's comedy fluff , as comedy fluffs go, this was hilarious. But yeah, if you jud

From the holy crap department...

Who would have thought a car with more than 4 wheels could best a Porsche! I want to turn Japanese!


This is a movie about a stuggling writer (PAUL GIAMATTI) and a struggling actor (THOMAS HADEN CHURCH) and their week long fun before CHURCH's wedding. It is filled with many wine jokes and full frontal and rear nudity. I never really liked Thomas Haden Church before, I mean, he was sorta funny on WINGS, but NED & STACY sucked ass, but he actually does a great job here. I wouldn't be surprised if he got a best supporting actor oscar nomimation, although the role really is just being himself, since he really is a struggling actor. There's many parallels to his actual career. Paul Giamatti I have always been a fan of. Pretty much since I saw PRIVATE PARTS, and he really should get a best actor nomination here. His role was a little more difficult than Church's. So if you like wine jokes, full and rear nudity, see this movie. Wait, forget about the nudity, see this movie anyway.

Movies That I Saw That Do Not Warrant Their Own Post

SEED OF CHUCKY Okay, what the fuck is this? Wasn't this supposed to be a scary movie? Why did I laugh more than in Scary Movie? TAXI Jimmy Fallon + Queen Latifa = Not Funny, Just Retarded AFTER THE SUNSET This was almost good enough to get it's own entry here, but it's still pretty fluffy. THE INCREDIBLES I love Pixar, I mean, go Steve Jobs, this movie has some funny moments, but most were in the preview and Finding Nemo was better. BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON I didn't even see this, nor do I want to. Renee Zelwegger is an ugly ho who can't act to save her child from sudden death, let alone get me to laugh. TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE I laughed at the anti-Bush jokes, but there were too many anti-Kerry and anti-democrat jokes. Trey and Matt should have picked a fucking side and not tried to appeal to everybody. NATIONAL TREASURE It's sad that Pixar has pwned Disney to the point where Disney is making live action movies now. Nick Cage is decent, nothing spec

Britney Spears must die

Everybody tries to kill Britney Spears , rated R for gratuitous violence towards whores.


I really don't understand all the negativity over this Oliver Stone film. Most critics accuse Mr. Stone of attrocious directing, but that's pretty far fetched. The acting could not have been better. Colin Farrell, Anthony Hopkins, Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie (who I normally hate), Jared Leto, and Rosario Dawson give magnificant performances. Not only was the acting good, but the depictions of Alexander's life were accurate. Right down to Alexander being a homosexual. Hey wait a minute, maybe that's why most critics didn't like this film...were they perhaps expecting a typical movie about a hero, and they got a realistic depiction of a man, a gay man? Oliver Stone didn't have every fact about Alexander in this film. He gave Alexander brown eyes, you know, because blue contacts for Colin would have broken the budget, I pressume. At least he had the blonde hair correct. There's other facts that were left out, but I won't mention them all. Instead, why don

Need a pen? Go to Pen Island

I think it is very important where you order you pens, so I will make this really big. (I would make that a link, but then it wouldn't be so big, and you want your penisland to be big.)

iCal _can_ be funny

I recently set my iCal to display the movies that are being released into theaters, well the movies shown for tomorrow are, "A Very Long", "Purple", and "Guerilla", and they appear in the calendar block in that order. Read them together and try not to laugh. And last Friday's funny iCal moment is "Days of The Bad Bridget", I can't make this up.

Magna Cum Laude

Leisure Suit Larry is back!

Holiday Eating Tip #1

I know you love stuffing. Don't we all? But that does not give you any excuse to eat a whole can of Stoufer's. Do not do that, and I am speaking from experience. A few weeks ago, I was hungry, okay, so I get hungry every day, okay so I get hungry every hour, but a few weeks ago, in one of these bouts of hungerness, I could not find anything to eat, and the more time that elapsed, the more-- well you know, you get hungry too, don't lie. Anyway, there was nothing to eat. I was looking through the pantry and came across a can of Stoufer's, because, you know, nothing comes closer to home . The serving size was 6-8 people. Thing was, I was the only one there. While the voices in my head do contradict that previous statement, they cannot eat, so in all actuality, I was alone. So I ate that can of Stoufer's, all of it. All of it. If you ever wanted to see true agony, then eat too much bread, you'll get true agony. You have no idea how bloated I felt. I was literally s

Interpreting Shit

I'm about to post something that has been around the internet more than child pornography, so don't sue me for posting stuff that is not mine. I already said it's not mine, so shut up.

Skitzo Calypso is awesome

That band is extremely hardcore. Very metal, and they have some really crazy fans, they (the fans) were literally throwing each other around. It was funny. It's a great thing that music makes people do that without embarrassment. I'd say that's an emotional response, yeah. Skitzo Calypso

Fletcher's Bar is where it's at this Sunday night

Gonna be back at that hot as hell club but fun anyway club this Sunday. Gonna be there with Lily, who is friends with the band, " Skitzo Calypso ". Can't wait. Be there or be square, fool.

I wish I could arbitrarily increase my credit limit

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush (news - web sites) on Friday signed into law a measure authorizing an $800 billion increase in the credit limit of the United States, the White House said. More... How convienant is that? You never have to worry about paying anything back when you can always increase your credit limit! Why can't I do this? I need to be able to do this. I swear to God.

Ask Donate and you shall receive

Rampant cronyism alert. WASHINGTON - One-third of President Bush (news - web sites)'s top 2000 fund-raisers or their spouses were appointed to positions in his first administration, from ambassadorships in Europe to seats on policy-setting boards, an Associated Press review found. The perks for 246 "pioneers" who raised at least $100,000 also included overnight stays at the White House and Camp David, parties at the White House and Bush's Texas ranch, state dinners with world leaders and overseas travel with U.S. delegations to the Olympics and other events, the review found. More... Well, it's not that bad, but oh wait, it is. Let's appoint people based on friendships instead of qualifications. If you followed Project Greenlight , you'd know that's the same thing which killed the first film 's chances of being at least a decent movie. Don't hire your friends (for the crew) unless they're qualified. Don't appoint your friends unless the

Must have been a slow year

Karl Rove is up for Time's Person of the Year . I guess they needed another name and grabbed his out of hat, whilst drunk.

Two Unrelated Quotes

"I'm going to buy a Llama!" -Some lady I overheard today. and "All your hard work will soon pay off." -It was in a cookie I opened. This has been a lovely moment of zen. Goodbye.

From the WTF column...

I just saw a bumper sticker that said "Proudly Marching to the Beat of a Different Kettle of Fish" , then I googled it and found out about this site , but it doesn't answer the question, what the fuck is a kettle of fish? Who puts fish in a kettle? Let's look up the word 'Kettle', ok? 1. A metal pot, usually with a lid, for boiling or stewing. 2. A teakettle. 3. Music. A kettledrum. 4. Geology. A depression left in a mass of glacial drift, formed by the melting of an isolated block of glacial ice. 5. A pothole. from Okay, I do not think it's a metal pot, unless they were really hungry and started singing about the fish they were cooking, and I know it's not a kettledrum, that's absurd. Could it be a depression filled with fish? Possibly. I know it's not a pot hole, so you have to think it's a depression. Suddenly I have lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, bumper stickers are stupid and decrease the value of your car. But if yo

Clinton DID NOT "gut" the military

Yet another debunking of a Bush lie.

Bush already starting to fuck county up ass

Drilling in Alaska Oil Reserve. WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Interior Department on Friday gave final approval to a plan by ConocoPhillips and partner Anadarko Petroleum Corp. to develop five tracts around the oil-rich Alpine field on Alaska's North Slope. Bush isn't done. Next year he hopes to drill in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge. The Bush administration believes the new Congress next year will approve oil drilling in the separate Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, which may hold up to 16 billion barrels of crude.

World Kindness Day

Today is World Kindness Day , so if you're a leader of a large, industrialized nation, try not to bomb anybody today, ok?

Eric Schwartz - Keep your jesus off my penis

watch the video and/or read the lyrics. Keep your Jesus off my penis Keep your bible off my balls Keep your prayers out of my ears And your crosses off my walls You can keep the virgin mother And the resurrection too Keep your Jesus off my penis I'll keep my penis off of you

You drive an SUV, you support terrorism

It's stupidity like this that really pisses me off. SUVs against terrorism? You fool! If you drive an SUV, you are SUPPORTING terror. SUPPORTING. Why is that so? It is because many SUVs average a mere, 12-13 miles to the gallon. Compared to around 27 for passenger cars and 20 for small trucks. Thus, if you drive an SUV, you will be spending more and more at the pump, giving more and more money to terrorist regimes. Just look here to see that our oil comes from Saudi Arabia , which is our largest importer. Saudi Arabia supports terrorism. So, trade in your SUV, unless you want the terrorists to win.

Homosexuals have an agenda?

Can somebody please state what their agenda is? I was not aware one such existed.

President Bush is dead at 72

Mr. Bush's always controversial presidency left behind a changed nation and a changed world. Taking office in 2001 after a disputed election settled only by a 5-4 decision by a bitterly divided Supreme Court, and decisively reelected in 2004, President Bush led the United States into four wars, oversaw the dismantling of Social Security and Medicare, and enforced a drastic shrinking of elementary, secondary, and collegiate education. He spearheaded the transformation of President Bill Clinton's budget surpluses of 1999 and 2000 into permanent deficits of more than a trillion dollars a year, thus profoundly reducing the amount of capital available to address the needs of the vast majority of citizens and inhibiting the creation of new jobs with any promise of advancement or financial security, while at the same time pursuing tax reductions that increased the differences between the income and assets of, in his own terminology, "owners" and "pre-owners" of &qu

Those damn mystery animals!

More than 50 cats have been reported missing in the Steamboat area, and Masiello said the hairless fox is probably only one of the culprits. She advised residents not to let their pets outside. do you want to know more? well too bad The article is stupid. Let's start out by talking about a mystery animal from Colorado, and mention a similar animal in Maryland. They make it out like the animal in Colorado is a Fox, and that may not be true. *explodes* *insert random alf joke* *insert random God killing kittens due to masturbation joke*

A very weird dream, indeed.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE I dreamt that George H.W. Bush wasn't President Bush's father, but grandfather, and in the dream, there was President Bush's real father, a strange, younger looking George H.W. Bush. I'm not exactly sure why I dreamt this, maybe it had to be-- you know what, there is no excuse for a dream like this, I'm just fucked up.


Ever wanted to go see a snuff film ? Well, step right up, because now's your chance! "Saw" is about a serial killer by the moniker "Jigsaw", because he doesn't actually kill anybody, he finds a way for his victims to kill themselves. For example, he'll put a guy in the center of razor wire, and tell him to tunnel his way out...or he'll strap a bear trap on a girl's face and put a lock on it, so she can't excape, unless she digs through her fiance's guts for the key...the end result is always the same: there's a lot of gore. Anyway, "Saw" should keep you on the edge of your seats, and that's a huge understatement. It's intense, so intense that the word intense doesn't describe it. What word describes it? How about HOLYFUCKINGSHITLOOKATTHATFUCKAHHHHHHHHHHH? That works, I think. And it never stops. There is little comic relief in the film, and that little is basically at the end when Cary Elwes overacts. Should you

Yay, Nader!

Nader wants a recount . Nader highlighted irregularities including one reported earlier in an Ohio polling station where 638 voters cast ballots but results showed 4,258 voted for Bush, and 260 for Kerry. How do you get 4,258 votes out of 638 voters? Oh hell, I'll just outright say it, Bush cheated.

HBO's The Wire

I have a new favorite TV show . Curb your Enthusiasm , has moved to #2. The Wire is so fucking realistic. I don't even wanna know how they shoot these scenes in West Baltimore projects...those neighborhoods on the show are actual drug neighborhoods (a couple of my ex-friends are drug addicts, so I know). it's mind boggling how the show can be so real. You almost want to call it reality TV, but you know it's just drama. I love HBO.

This is what we are dealing with, people

via american drama I hope the election of George W. Bush is seen as a wake-up call to all the liberal Democrats who oppose God's will. It is His doing that George W. Bush is still our president. Millions of born-again Christians helped win this election through our prayers and votes. Jesus speaks through the Republicans. The Democrats will not be able to win elections until they renounce their sinful ways and stop encouraging abortions, gayness, and trying to take away our guns. link Democrats will never win as long as there are people who put the petty issues such as gay marriage and abortion ahead of war.

Ashcroft Resigns

Ashcroft died . Wait, I mean he resigned. I always get those two mixed up. Let's unclothe the statue and just move on.

If I were Prez, I would...

Fix the healthcare system by forcing other countries to pay for the research of prescription drugs, making said drugs cheaper, and thus, bringing down the healthcare premiums. Adopt the illegal drug policy of Amsterdam, because the Dutch are so dutchy cool...which brings up the next one: Stop fighting unwinnable wars. End the war on drugs, poverty, and terrorism. And milk. I also so think we should get back in the business of adding states. Not puerto rico or guam, unless they have a sudden and dramatic population asplosion. Allow public nudity, because it makes the day interesting. But if you get caught sneezing, you absolutely, under no circumstances get to have food for the rest of day, unless you say the secret word. The secret word will be determined by Congress every week, so this forces people to pay attention to the government. And finally, and this is the most imporant one, (kinda fitting how I saved it for last, eh) Purple sweat pants will be made illegal. If you are caught w


He-Man is and will always be the best.

2004 Redskins = 2000 Ravens

That's right, if you have been following the Redskins this year, you should know that they have the NUMBER 1 defense in the NFL, not just the NFC, the NFL. Add running back Clinton Portis to that, and you have the 2000 Ravens: a bone crushing defense and an excellent running back. " The Redskins have an identity now, and while it's not in the tradition of Sammy Baugh and Sonny Jurgensen, Joe Theismann and Doug Williams, there's nothing wrong with defense and running. The Redskins, while they're still just 3-5 after beating the Detroit Lions, 17-10, at Ford Field, have three-quarters of a team. They can do everything except throw the ball down the field, but that does not preclude winning." ... 'Now? The Redskins seem to have accepted, from Gibbs on down, that there's no haymaker in them. They're not going to be able to knock out anybody early. Every game is going 15 rounds. 'Baltimore did it in 2000,' cornerback Shawn Springs said. 'It

Canada 2.0

Here's another redo of the borders... via mena trott

Tombstone Generator

Yeah, 124. *finds some nice quallity wood and knocks on it* Musn't jinx myself, ya know.


OMG you have to listen to this new song by Jim's Big Ego

Evolution of a Website

I came across an old bookmark of mine, DeanGoesNuts , which was originally about that infamous scream of Howard Dean , but now it's just about nuts. Kinda funny.

Thinking Positive

Okay fellow democrats, there's one thing that's good about Bush winning. We get to hold Bush accountable for Iraq. Had Kerry won, you could have bet dollars to donuts that they'd try to blame any problem in Iraq on Kerry, or even if there was no new problem, they'd just say a general blanket statement, "Oh, Bush would have handled it better." Well, Iraq is Bush's mess, so he's the one responsible for cleaning it up.

United States of Canada and Jesusland

I better head north a bit, I'm too close to the border of Jesusland. I got this image from ken layne , he got it from somewhere else.

I'm flip-flopping on gun control

If there is ever a time when a leader (King of England... or Bush) could take you over (enlist you), then we need to be able to have the means and the wherewithall to be able to decline, forcefully. I'm thinking about buying a gun and learning how to use it. Seriously.

We are bigots

Most Americans are against love . Which is fitting, as the pary of hate just won. If you do not support gay marriage, you are a fucking bigot. There is no way to spin out of that. You are a close-minded, redneck hate-mongerer.

I just woke up

Kerry: Concede. Right now. You did not win the popular vote, you lost it by 3%. Ohio is not too close to call. America is clearly a nation of ignorant rednecks who let religion determine their vote. There's no room for us Normies. Anyway, Kerry needs to conceed. Fighting this is sad.

Election 2004 Results LiveBloggin

2:39: Oh hell, I have no idea when I'll stop paying attention. I know I want to go bed, as does Larry King, but we can't. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO CLOSE?!?!?!?!?!? 2:22: the real last words: Kerry is not taller than Bush Redskins were wrong 2:06: Final words: Bush will probably win, but Ohio is too close too call, it will come down to provisional and absentee ballots. Iowa is too close as well. But as of right now, Kerry lost. Goodnite. Rundown: ABC B-249 K-221 CBS B-249 K-221 PBS B-249 K-221 NBC B-269 K-207 CNN B-249 K-211 FOX "NEWS" B-269 K-221 NYTIMES B-234 K-141 1:46: FYI, Texas killed a man tonight. 1:20: When is the start date for the uprising? 1:18 New Hampshire goes to Kerry; Bush 269-211 1:12: With all the election problems, how will this be challenged, or will it be challenged? Civil War? eek 1:07: If you are 18-24 and you did not vote, go fuck yourself . 1:00: Alaska wants Bush, and so does Ohio 269-207 12:42 Kerry picked up one electoral vote, somehow.

The news is out of control

Every 24 hours news network has been having nonstop coverage of the election-- oh wait, the election coverage begins tonight with the RESULTS-- so every news network is basically a larger, more graphically-enhanced version of the discussions at the water cooler. SOMEBODY WIN TONIGHT SO THE MADNESS CAN END


I JUST VOTED. Now it's your turn. Starting tonight at 8...ish...I'm gonna be liveblogging as I watch MSNBC's coverage of the results coming in.


I do not care who you vote for. Vote for Bush for all I care. Voting is a right, it is a right that shall not be wasted. Do not be lazy. Voting only takes a few minutes, and if you go between 9am and 3pm, you will not hit very long lines. If you vote and your candidate loses, you can bitch all you want, but if you don't vote and your candidate loses, you have to quiet the fuck up. I don't want to hear any bitching by those who don't vote. Jeff Jarvis has a pledge just for this. And you know what? Should George W. Bush win convincingly (both electoral and popular), I will support him. I just have had a tough time supporting a guy who couldn't even get 50% of his country to vote for him. But like hell that'll happen, JFK will win big. If he wins, I am getting drunk, but Michelle has a better idea: I hereby pledge that after the election is called, I will run naked through the streets, smeared with war paint, stinking of Jack Daniels and screaming obscenities at my