Breaking news: I've been a frequent shaver.

I shaved today. I shaved yesterday. And I shaved the day before yesterday. Yes, 3 days in a row! A new record! Something must be up!

Jesus, lighten up, people.

Mother of a 13 year old girl discovers MySpace.com. Invasion of her child's privacy ensues.

"And their pictures are very provocative," Marcy said. "There's shots with their butt in the air, with their thongs sticking out of it. They squeeze their elbows together to make their boobs look bigger."

Um, that's how they act around their friends, it's normal. It happened when you were in school, it happened when I was in school, and it still happens today. Get a fucking grip.

Never buy anything from Jamster

Do NOT buy anything from Jamster, for three reasons.

A) The company's board is ridden with child molestors and pedophiles.

B) Their internet ads are full of annoying sounds.

C) Their primary demographic is pedophiles.

So you don't want to support them, because they support annoyance and pedophilia.

Buffalos roam free in Maryland

You can't say nothing exciting happens in Baltimore County. The stupid owner of them is sending them to be killed, because he's an ignorant redneck hick fuck.

Sin City

Okay, I finally caught up with everybody, I went and saw "Sin City" last night. I had high hopes, and they were not dashed, not one bit. The entire movie keeps you captivated on the end of your seat. I was captured.

The movie felt like three hours long, but I did not care. I think it was only around 2 hours, but I could have and would have sat for aother 2 hours. Some would say that "Sin City" is just a sequence of stories that barely fit into a puzzle at the end, but they're wrong. They are fucking wrong. Watching "Sin City" is like watching a painter paint a masterpeice. Sometimes, it doesn't even feel like these were real actors being shot with a camera. It was like a walking, talking comic book.

This movie is loaded with big name celebrities, but the one who really stood out and BECAME his character is Mickey Rourke. He totally became Marv. Unbelievable. Clive Owen and Nick Stahl also shined brightly. But Michael Madsen was overacting, I wasn't satisfied with his performance at all. Why was Josh Hartnett in this movie at all? They could have found a cheaper, and not to mention better actor to play in his small role. I guess they just wanted star power, or maybe Robert Rodriguez just wanted to cast his friends. Oh well, didn't hurt the movie that much.

I enjoyed this so much I think it deserves a second theater viewing. Robert Rodridguez is the man, and I love how he puts "shot and cut" or sometimes "shot and chopped" in the opening titles, I absolutely love how he shoots and edits all his movies. If any filmmaker deserves the "a film by" credit, it's Robert Rodriguez.

Why did Paris Defriend Nicole? Let's brainstorm!!!!!!!

As you all are aware, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are no longer dating, I mean, are no longer friends. How did that lesbian thought get into my head?!? Bad, Bozzy, Bad!

Okay, but why are they no longer friends? Paris said, "It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends" and that "Nicole knows what she did." Hmm...

So it has to be something obvious. It's not a big secret and Nicole knows about it, and let's face it, Nicole is a bit flakey, so it must really be obvious.

This has nothing to do with Paris or Nicole, or the whole situation, but I thought it looked cool:


What would be obvious? Did Nicole forget to feed Paris' cat? Or maybe Nicole was walking Paris' dog and the dog got loose and ran to the sanctuary of a moving car's tire. Or maybe it had nothing to do with animals. Let's say it had nothing to do with animals. What good stormin!

Let's brainTHUNDERstorm some more!

CBS has sunk to an all new low

They've gone to the locusts.

Ehrlich to stop pissing in the Patuxent River

Gov. Ehrlich has vowed to clean up MD's waterways, and will no longer be urinating in the Patuxent River, after tonight at midnight, when his promise goes into effect.

Also, Ehrlich announces additional plans to improve Annapolis, the biggest being that every resident will own a PSP by the end of the year, and learn the ability to teleport by the end of the month.

That Ehrlich, he's such a thinker!

Yesterday was 420, did you know?

Just kidding, I know you knew. But anyway, DC101 and LIVE1057 were endorsing illegal drug use all day. It warmed the cockles of my liberatarian heart.

Breaking news: BBC uses the phrase 'Monkey nut'

Also, artist think's it's okay to key people's cars, and he also consider's it art! That monkey nut!

Ann Coulter Molests A Turtle!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Insane female columnist seen rescuing a trapped turtle, then disappearing.

WASHINGTON, DC-- Ann Coulter, who was out on the streets promoting her latest book, "How to Spot a Liberal in TWO Easy Steps and Filet Them Over an Open Fire", was seen coming to the aid of a trapped turtle in a storm drain. "I can't help but help one of God's little insiginifcant and helpless creatures, it's what makes the GOP so grand, in point of fact, liberals would never bat an eyelash to save a defenseless creature like I just saved", remarked the columnist as she held the turtle in her hands.

For those that do not know, Ann Coulter is a syndicated columnist and can be reached at the following website:
http://www.anncoulter.com/

The turtle, who's name is, Mr. Turtle, named after that Tootsie Roll Pop Ms. Coulter loved so much as a child, denied our request for an interview. Ms. Coulter decided to speak on his behalf, "I just want to add that Mr. Turtle is one of God's great defenseless creatures and watching that commercial growing up really taught me how to suck."

What happened next shocked us all. She gave Mr. Turtle a big kiss, hugged it, ripped it out of his shell, "Stop being shy, the insane lady quipped at the turtle" and proceeded to put it put between her massive republican legs and um, you know... Mark Smith, BW News camera man said, "I tried to stop her, but she bit me. I may be pressing charges against that dumb slut."

Ms. Coulter was last seen running off into the Anacostia River with the turtle under her arm, screaming, "I've got dinner, tonight!" We started to give chase, but the river was mighty full due to the amount of rain we've been having. We let her go.

If you or anybody you know has any information on the whereabouts of Ann Coulter, please contact the DC Animal Control at once.

Contact:
1201 New York Avenue, NE
(at the corner of New York Avenue and the Brentwood Parkway)
Washington, DC 20002
Telephone: (202) 576-6664
DC Animal Control

Catholicism, Wow!

Your new Pope is a former Hitler Youth. What? The former Nazi just wants some respect.

216-416-0033-- What the fuck?

Somebody called my cell phone from the number 216-416-0033 (call it, you get static) and left a vulgar message. I did a search, and it happened to somebody else, same exact number.

But unfortunately, that link doesn't help much. Any ideas?

Update: 7/26/2005

Reader mail!

i know this is random, but i am not a member of your blog, so i am sending you a myspace message.
i googled the relay number that prank called me this evening, the same one you got a call from in april. that relay number is a number you can find online somewhere, and use your computer to make relay calls. usually you have to have a certain phone to use relay, but this company lets you do it through a computer, thus allowing non-deaf people to make relay calls to other non-deaf people. i found out that it was my boyfriend's little brother calling me, so chances are someone you know found the number and used their computer to call you. so its not some crazy person calling you. just thought i would let you know, that way you can maybe post a comment in your entry to let others know what is going on when they google and find your site. thanks!

-danielle

Ann Coulter is a Dirty Skank

That's right, I went there. She's dirty. If she was from Maryland, she'd be from Dundalk. That's right, I went there as well... and came back with the smell.

TIME magazine has just made the leap from News to Porn. For more information on starlet Ann, head over to Media Matters For America.

I need another white russian.

The Dude Abides

Today I had to drop off my car at the shop to get the window fixed. Apparently it stopped going up, then wouldn't go down, and then we had to slap it. It's covered by the warranty, and that's a good thing, considering the whole door needs to be replaced because it involves a welded part.

So I'm car-less (again), and for the first time in I don't know long, I know for sure that I am not going out tonight. So I'm sitting here enjoying a white russian. Maybe I'll pop in The Big Lebowski...

Why does this never happen when I need to fly?

US Airways sucks at the Internet, sells flights for only $1.86 plus fees. Way to go US Airways, way to go. You're the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

IN OTHER NEWS...
Indians married two trees, need not fret, Tom DeLay, they weren't both male.
Patient dies during heart surgery of heart failure, but we want to point out that it wasn't because he caught on fire during the surgery.
Police officer: God damnit, who the fuck replaced all my cocaine with sugar?!
Worst written article of the year: Did they arrest the fans or the crew? It doesn't say!!! BAD, WRITER, BAD!
This surfer doesn't stop for sharks.
Soon you will be able to lick the screen and actually lick a porn star.
Update on the Wendy's chicken finger story: Woman apparently got too close to a leopard, then decided to blame it on Wendy. (Thanks Jason)
Where the fuck is the red key?
This is the ultimate beer bong. I guess it is, I mean, who really knows?
Take me to your bugs: Or shall I say, Agathidium bushi Miller and Wheeler, Agathidium cheneyi Miller and Wheeler and Agathidium rumsfeldi Miller and Wheeler.

Again, keep doing whatever it is that you're doing.

Mr. Rebbins, The Attack Giraffe!

A giraffe is going to come after me and kill me. You think I am being unreasonable, fuck you! You are being unreasonable, or at the very least, NOT BELIEVING! You did not have the encounter with Mr. Rebbins the attack giraffe! You have no idea what the fuck you are talking about! Mr. Rebbins is of super quality enigmatic porportions! Mr. Rebbins can run fast too, much faster than a measly human; 358.3 mph versus about 5. But we humans have the brains, right? Not so! Mr. Rebbins can read, in fact, he loves Ernest Hemingway and Ellen DeGeneres the best. He thinks Rosie O'Donnell is a fat cow, and he eats cows, so he likes her, "she tastes like yummy." Or so he told me before he threatened to killed me for not doing making his makeup the way he wanted it. Well played, Mr. Rebbins, well played.

But anyway, not only can Mr. Rebbins read, he can also do other complicated mind tasks like: alphabetizing, laundry, washing the car, googling, feeding the cats and/or dogs, getting you past that level in San Andreas, and many other virtuoso-capable things. He can paint, be he would rather make other people paint. I was made to paint. That's why I'm still alive. Mr. Rebbins said I had to paint his portrait or else! "He had to paint my portrait, or else!" So I painted Mr. Rebbins, and he said the nickname that his crew always called him was "the attack rebbins", I told him that was stupid and he looked at me menacingly and told me to shutup and paint, but I changed it to "the attack giraffe" anyway...

... Oh my God, he found me, I don't know how but he found me! I never told him I changed his nickname. Oh my God on a shit stick, he looks pis--

BLOGGING DIFFICULTIES.... please stand by.

Ehlich Losing to O'Malley

A recent poll has Baltimore Mayor Martin O'Malley (D) ahead of Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich (R) 45-39% (+- 3%) in the possible matchup for Governor in 2006. LINK.

A finger is worth $100,000 dollars

That's right, Wendy's needs to find out who it belongs to! If you or anybody you know has any information, regarding the whoabouts of this finger, please call 1-800-EAT-WENDYS.

Thank God this man lives in Korea, or I'd have to give him a big head start...

In other news, this chimpanzee is SMOKING!

NEVADA to the hornys: You gotta pay us to jerk off.

If you're 45, woman or man, please don't expose yourself in public. Thanks. We've got teens and twenty-somethings for that purpose.

Yeah, but did they use baseballs?

I know a lot of stuff is considered art, but an umbilical cord?

I guess you can't say the government never did anything for the ducks.

A fifteen year old girl can climb a mountain quicker than her daddy, because oh I dunno, she's fifteen and he's FORTY-EIGHT.

I will end on a sad note about Mike the headless chicken:
"He was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel." Too bad Mike couldn't be revived.

Alright, I'm out, keep doing whatever it is that you're doing.

Wanna be startin' somethin'!

"Security officers at the Santa Barbara County Courthouse search Michael for any metallic objects, because he said he wanted to be startin' somethin'."

APRIL MADNESS!!

If you are like me, then you probably don't care, but for shits and giggles, you may want to use this to you figure how the next pope will be. My bet's on Duke.

Today's Quote From Gov. Ehrlich

"I have nothing particularly insightful to say" --Governor of Maryland Robert Ehrlich (R)

Hopefully in 2006, we'll vote in Martin O'Malley...

Britney Spears is Pregnant with Septuplets

That's right, the doctor gave her too many fertility drugs. See, I warned Britney about teh drugs, but she didn't listen to me. Oh no, nobody ever does. That's alright, I get to laugh and she get's fat, because she's pregnant with SEVEN babies! That's fat x 7 = Britney!

Fritos Don't Break

"Yes, Fritos do not break."

I hope I remembered the quote right, but today at MPT while we were waiting to start the show we started talking about potato chips, then dip, and somehow Fritos got tossed in. Well, not somehow. Fritos never break off in the dip.

It's a good show. If you're in Maryland, tune to Channel 22 on Comcast Cable (22 on Network too, I believe) at 7:30 tonight.

Finally a solution to those annoying soccer players!

Land Mines Kill... pretty young girls who score goals.

Send money or the bunny dies.

If you don't send money, Toby the rabbit is going to die.

Is this a joke? One site says yes, but MSNBC interviewed the webmasters and they say it's not.

Asked whether the Web site was a joke, he responded, "No, not at all. As a matter of fact, it's very serious. If we don't get $50,000, we are going to eat the rabbit."

So, how do you save Toby from being put in a cooking pot on June 30? The Web site says you can either buy merchandise, such as T-shirts and coffee mugs, or you can simply donate money to the cause. But after animal lovers besieged PayPal, the online payment company shut down the "save Toby" donations link.

Wait a minute... Paypal stopped the site from making money? They cannot legally do that. This may be a joke and a sick one at that, but c'mon, PayPal does not have the authority to be a censor.

This is just a clever idea to make money.

Nobody seems to have caught on to the website's flagrant reference to Con Air...

The Past, Present, and Future of Blogging

In another month, I will have been at this little thing called blogging for three years. Whoa, three years. Yes, three years. Which is usually the amount of time I quit doing something and focus my short attention span on some new shiny thing.

In the three years I have been blogging I have gone from having a day-to-day journal blog, to a tech blog, to a political blog, and most recently to a general comedy and rant blog. I guess I have a pop culture blog now, I really don't know. Everytime I try to pigeonhole my blog my head begins to hurt and I start to cry. When I cry, things just happen to break or otherwise stop working... on their own. Yeah.

HFS'tival 2005

I just ordered my ticket to this year's HFS'tival, and no, it is not merengue either!

I was at The Recher Theater last night to see Victory Twin win the big break contest, but they didn't, these crappy fucks called Gold Mind Squad won. Their music is shit. And I did not say "the shit", but "shit" as in their music fucking sucks. "fucking sucks" is not the new way of saying cool, either. They were fucking audience whores. And their fans are fucking insane, starting these stupid mosh fights. Come near me again and I'll rip out your heart, motherfucker.

Anyway, this is my first HFS'tival, I was scared when they changed to spanish that I'd never be able to go to one, but they're doing it anyway! I can finally lose my HFS'tival virginity...you know, have sex at the HFS'tival.... Yeah. That really was funnier in my head.

GOTTA GO BYE

I can't wait to turn 25

I just found out that when I turn 25, my car insurance will be $72, it's about $142 right now. Sweet.

But the whole 'quarter of a century' thing kinda scares me a tad.

Stupid Star Wars Freaks

Lining up outside a theater 7 weeks in advance to see a movie is bad enough, but doing it outside the wrong theater?

And get this

Still, the resolute Star Wars die-hards aren't moving on. Beneath a makeshift awning, 11 people refused to relinquish their spots in line.

Hello, Earth to Nerds, you're outside the wrong fucking theater, which means your coveted spot in line isn't coveted anymore.

Tards.

There's a Laurel in Delaware!

OMG THERE IS A LAUREL IN DELAWARE!!!

btw, there also was a shooting there.

Thinned Skinned Bitch

Oooh mommy someone called me a bad word! That is what Michelle Malkin all but said.

LOL someone called her a cunt and she flipped out. Fucking internet n00b.

$2 Tales of Funny

I've got a followup to the $2 bill revolution post!

The first one, a man tried to pay for a $114 cd player at Best Buy in Baltimore County, MD with 57 $2 bills. Yes, Fifty-Seven. The dumbass blue shirted wonder thought it was counterfeit and alerted security. Hilarity did not ensue. He was in handcuffed and ankle shackled.

The other incident took place at a Taco Bell. It doesn't say where this Taco Bell is, but for all we know, it could have been in Mexico. Gotta be someplace that doesn't recognize legal American tender.

You'd think this were deter me from paying with $2 bills, but it doesn't, it encourages me. Fucking dumbshits.

God fucking damnit, it's fucking hot in here.

Is it just me and my fever or is it really fucking hot in here?!? It's 82 degrees outside. I feel like it's 100 in here.

This is the last year I live in the greenhouse, next year I''m moving to the barn.

I have the plague

Sorry about the lack of reading material for you, I just have the plague. I'm waiting for the doctor to call back.

I need more antibiotics, preferably by lethal injection, in the ass. Yes, lethal injection... and in the ass.

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

Yes, I saw this! I know, I wanted to see Million Dollar Baby, but I was outnumbered by four girls.

I've heard people say bad things about this movie, but I thought it was rather amusing. I never saw the original, so I have no frame of reference, but I got a kick out of Diedrich Bader and William Shatner's characters. If anybody can play a homosexual, it's Diedrich Bader. And you know, Shatner is just awesome.

Plus this movie has one of my favorite character actors ever! Abraham Benrubi! The guy from ER and Tempting Fate!

But this is still a chick flick, so it can't be that good. I'd say rent it or wait til it comes to one of the On Demand channels.

The House of Cosbys, Y'see

The premise is simple. Clone Bill Cosby an infinite number of times, and give each of the clones a different task to do around the house. Genius!

The House of Cosbys, on Channel 101.

The Knock On Wood Story

It started so innocently, a few days before Labor Day 2003 I was driving with my friends Jenna and Stacey on the way to New Jersey. Yes, we now know that traveling to New Jersey is wrong and stupid, but we were younger and we didn't know any better. I hope you can forgive us and let us move on in our lives.

During the trip, something was said by myself, I cannot remember what it is exactly, but that is not the point, the point is that I did not want to be jinxed. Why? Being jinxed is pretty bad. You can't talk until the person who jinxed you unjinxes you, or you may just get a case of serious bad luck. Either way, it is to be avoided. I'm pretty sure you all are familiar with the concept. If not, well, ask somebody else.

So I said something, again I do not remember, and again, this is not the point, if this were the point, we'd be living on Mars by now. Are we living on Mars? No, we are not. Shutup. After I said what I said, I couldn't just let it be, as I could ruin my chances for ever having what I said again, I had to act drastically. I had to knock on wood, because knocking on wood is a way to basically say, "Hey, I just said I wouldn't crash this car, but what if I do, that would suck, and I'd be wrong, I better knock on wood." Note: It was nothing about crashing a car. Really. I honestly do not remember, but if you are female and send me your nude picture, I just may remember.

Only problem: We were in a car. Maybe the cars in your world have wood in them, but mine does not. This was getting to be a big dilemma, and I would not stand for it any longer. I quickly realized, there was wood in the car. I was in a car with two hot girls. Well, one very hot girl and the other... uh well... we'll just call her Stacey and move on. So I was in the car with one hot girl, and I think you know where I am going with this. No? There was wood in the car... I was in a car with a hot girl... I was getting aroused... Geez, still nothing? I had a hardon. And I quickly knocked the wood and the phrase "knock on wood" has been cemented in pop culture ever since.

It's also been a royal pain the ass, too. See, Jenna, Stacey, and well everybody we told, loved this so much. Lily loved it a little too much. Are you following me? Basically what turned to be a life saver has turned into a painful game involving Bozzy's twig and berries, and you could say that knocking on wood that first time did not do anything to remove the jinx and in fact brought more bad luck, but I say otherwise. While it may be painful for awhile, it's still nice to have people fixated on my jewels... -- I just got a craving for pickles, BYE!

Maryland Stars are the Best

I'm bored so I'm going to share with you the stars from Maryland. Honestly you can get this info from IMDb.com, but I present it away.

Spike Jonze - Rockville, MD - You know him best for directing BEING JOHN MALKOVICH and ADAPTATION.

Edward Norton - Columbia, MD - You know him best for FIGHT CLUB, AMERICAN HISTORY X, PRIMAL FEAR, and THE 25TH HOUR.

Josh Charles - Baltimore, MD - Got his start in "Dead Poets Society". He was on "Sports Nite", and had a major role in "SWAT" and "Four Brothers".

Thomas Jane - Baltimore, MD - The Punisher, Deep Blue Sea.

Anna Faris - Baltimore, MD - Started out in the SCARY MOVIE series and is also in LOST IN TRANSLATION and WAITING.

Daniel Stern - Bethesda, MD - You know him best as Marv in HOME ALONE, Phil in CITY SLICKERS, and Laurence in DINER.

Frank Miller - Olney, MD - You know him best for writing the SIN CITY comic, as well the two ROBOCOP sequels.

John Waters - Baltimore, MD - You may not know him, but he's weird and he makes weird films with lots of stars.

Barry Levinson - Baltimore, MD - This man directed THE NATURAL, WAG THE DOG, BANDITS, GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, RAIN MAN, TOYS, LIBERTY HEIGHTS, and SPHERE, to name a few.

The Pope's Incrediable Popage is Pover.

Yes retard, I know it's papacy. Anyway, He is in a better place, with better people.

Just out of curiousity...I know you can't have people worship you because that's a sin, but how does that relate to the pope? Surely the people in Vatican City are pretty much worshiping this man, he is not God, yet he draws worship away from the Lord.

The Pope is really going to hell.

Deer in the Headlights

A few years ago, my friend and her ex-boyfriend (then boyfriend) were driving down some road in their Mitsubishi Eclipse. (And why must my stories always involve a Mitsubishi Eclipse? I seem to be pyschically connected to that car.) I do not remember what road, but it was pretty big. For arguements sake, let's say Route 40. If you take 40 east, you'll go though the city and that would be convienant for him since it's not a surprise to anyone that he loves heroin.

Anyway, they were driving. And it was dark. Very dark. And there this big truck. A very big truck. And it riding right next to them, a very big them. Okay, I'll stop. So yeah the semi was right next to their car, and that's pretty scary in and of itself, if you have ever been close to a semi. All of a sudden a deer jumps out into the road. The truck cannot stop. It's not supposed to. They seriously are trained not to stop for anything, even a person, as they are too big and have too much mass and momentum to stop. They're not going to risk wrecking their truck and cargo over a petty animal, or human. Yes, not even you, shutup. Let me tell my story, bitch.

So the big 18-wheeler hits the deer and the deer explodes, sending deer parts all over the wonderful Eclipse, making it no longer wonderful. They drove straight to the nearest car wash, but when they got home, they still had deer intestines all over the car. They had parts all over the front windshield, rear windshield, doors, windows, intenstines hanging from side mirrors, rear view mirrors... Okay maybe not rear view mirrors, but the car was covered with deer entails. Have a nice dinner tonight.

Let this be a lesson to you all, never never drive next a truck, unless of course you're truckin', you know, trying to break up a radar gun's line of sight by driving next to a truck. But that's another story, and it's not worth telling. At least just yet, and to you. Sorry, you know I love you, all of you. Pleasant eating.

Something important

Yes guys, I'm pregnant.

Time to play guess who.