Showing posts from April, 2004

Booty Cupcake

Come and watch my booty shake, cuz I'm a booty cupcake. I know it's old, but it's funny as hell. Well, I suppose hell really isn't funny, that's where people are tortured and whatnot. That expression should change. Funny as fuck? No, nothing funny about sex, well sex is fun that's for sure, but not really hilarious. Unless it involves a midget, everything is always funny when a midget is involved. Funny as a clown? Does it amuse you? Does it make you laugh? Is it here to make you laugh? Tell me what's funny. I think that works, but then you'd just have people criticizing your Joe Pesci impression. So, back to square one. Funny as a clown who is not necessarily here to amuse you, just funny, okay fine, funny as a midget. Geez.

The Snakeheads are back!

The real life creature that spawned the SciFi movie " Snakehead Terror " has returned to a Maryland lake. WHEATON -- A lake that feeds the Anacostia River will be drained Thursday because of the capture of a snakehead, a voracious nonnative fish could threaten the Maryland ecosystem. State officials, however, said no other snakeheads had been found since the first was caught by a fisherman Monday at Pine Lake in Wheaton Regional Park. The Anacostia tributary into which the lake feeds will also be checked for snakeheads, said Steve Early, assistant director of fisheries for the Maryland Department of Natural Resources.

Have Midget, Will Travel

Okay, so I don't have a midget. I left home without it. Okay, a lie again. I am at home. But I really don't have a midget, I swear! I just forgot what I wanted to say. Fuck. Help me remember!

She's the Claw-fuckin-Master

I took my friend Jenna to the movies and afterwards we got addicted with a claw machine. Well really she did. I didn't get any stuffed animals from it, but she got 8. Yes, 8. EIGHT. 8. EIGHT. 8. Get it? EIGHT!!!!8 Most productive way to blow $20.


via Hoopty

Narc on Cops

Jason had an interesting encounter with a cop recently, and so did I. Ah, it was this past Thursday night. I was on MD RT-108 in Montgomery County driving back from picking up some friends: Jenna, Alex, Stacey, and Chance. I had actually just pulled on that road, when very much to my surprise, all of a sudden, I see sirens and a big fucking bright light behind me. "What the fuck?", I thought. I wasn't speeding. I had just pulled on the road and was going 35MPH, which the speed limit is actually 40MPH. I swear, not 20 feet after pulling on this road, this cop felt the need to pull me over for no apparent reason. But there was a reason, he told me that my tags were NOT registered. I called bullshit. Gave him my license & registration, he went back to his car to presumably jerk off to them or something. He came back and said the MVA (DMV to you non-Marylanders) fucked up when they renewed my registration, typing an O when it actually is a 0. If that isn't sad and pa

Malaguena Salerosa

I am in love with this song , from Kill Bill vol2 , it just makes me want to dance. I have never been so in love with a song. Everything about this song is perfect. I wish I still knew spanish. BUT. I do not. So there is babelfish. That pretty eyes you have Underneath those two eyebrows Underneath those two eyebrows That pretty eyes you have. They want to me to watch But if your you do not leave them But if your you not even let them blink. Salerosa Malaguena Besar your lips wanted To kiss your lips wanted. Beautiful salerosa Malaguena and decirte nina. That you are lin........da and wizard, Who you are pretty and wizard Like the candor of a rose. If by poor man you despise I to me I grant to reason I grant reason to you If by poor man you despise to me. I do not offer wealth to you I offer my heart to You I offer my heart to You In exchange for my poverty. Salerosa Malaguena Besar your lips wanted To kiss your lips wanted. Beautiful salerosa Malaguena and decirte nina. That you are li

I Can't See Shit


Let the kid play football.

The Supreme Court, yes, the highest court in the land, decided not to allow a player less than 3 years removed from high school, to enter the NFL draft this weekend. What the hell is wrong with this country that petty cases (involving SPORTS, no less) are decided by the highest court in the land? Why was this a matter for the supreme court?

Kill Bill....Gates?

Very intriguing. I want them all to know, they will soon be as dead as [Bill Gates]. Cute.

Hypothetical Cows

Inspired by Mike and stolen from The Capital ...

The Draft is wrong

This pissed me off. The draft is wrong. It makes no sense. Let's see, you can't get enough support for your war, so you have to FORCE people to fight in it. Gee golly, that makes a lot of sense. If there is a draft, I'm not going. Plain and simple. I'd rather be butt raped by a large inmate. Then smoke two joints.* Now, if the war is fought on American soil, I would proudly defend my country. *Sublime reference

6 year olds and ovens don't mix

HOUSTON -- A man was charged with murder Tuesday in the death of his girlfriend's 6-year-old son, whose body was found in an oven. Do you want to know more? Oh my, I thought, that is so sad. And how exactly did your son get in the oven, I asked. And he said, "I put him there". Ah, the plot thickens. Alright, first Kill Bill 2 reference completed.

Destructor? Yes.

I have a new nickname. Don't worry, this has nothing to do with the domain name. You do not need to re-memorize, like I know you have. It's ok to admit it, it's a very cool domain and you think you're cool just by knowing it. But, please call me Destructor now. Everybody who knows me face-to-face can attest to this nickname. Whenever I'm around, things have a way of falling over. Even Julia, who is the only person I have met off the Internet agrees. I think she is thinking of this one time at band camp at Denny's. I AM DESTRUCTOR

It's a squirrel!

Why did the squirrel cross the road?

Impeach the Redneck

But, it turns out, two days before the president told Powell, Cheney and Rumsfeld had already briefed Prince Bandar, the Saudi ambassador. "Saturday, Jan. 11, with the president's permission, Cheney and Rumsfeld call Bandar to Cheney's West Wing office, and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Myers, is there with a top-secret map of the war plan. And it says, 'Top secret. No foreign.' No foreign means no foreigners are supposed to see this," says Woodward. "They describe in detail the war plan for Bandar. And so Bandar, who's skeptical because he knows in the first Gulf War we didn't get Saddam out, so he says to Cheney and Rumsfeld, 'So Saddam this time is gonna be out, period?'" And Cheney who has said nothing says the following: "Prince Bandar, once we start, Saddam is toast." After Bandar left, according to Woodward, Cheney said, "I wanted him to know that this is for real. We're really doing it." But th

Oxycontin talks!

Rush Limbaugh predicts that Hillary will assassinate Kerry should he win the Presidency. Hillary wants to be on the VP ticket so that she dispels the notion that the Clintons are sabotaging the campaign and so that she can also go out there and really be the star. She'd be the star because she'll be the one bringing excitement to it. And, by the way, she'll get all kinds of criticism and the Republicans will launch all they've got at her, and she'll endure that. They know that they're pretty confident Kerry is going to lose and if Kerry wins there's always Fort Marcy Park. So they're rolling the dice on this. Okay Rush, get out of the pool, it's adult swim now.

Smell the irony or something

Is irony when the CEO of fast food restuarant, notorious for bad cardio heath, dies of a heart attack? Now, I am by NO means celebratingDeath, what happened to McDonalds is truly tragic, yet I think he could have learned from coke dealers and NOT BECAME AN ADDICT HIMSELF! But alas, time for the McFuneral. Okay, candle light vigil tonight at 10pm. Wait, no, they're closed then, is 7 good?


Why do women stay in abusive relationships? It is because they are weak. They need to get a backbone and ditch the jerk.

Howard Stern has the right to be heard

The big difference, of course, is that Stern's offenses usually have to do with sex and language, while Limbaugh's have to do with politics. Stern offends the puritan right, which doesn't seem to respect the American tradition of freedom of expression. You don't have to listen to Stern. Exercising the same freedom, I am Limbaugh-free. And please don't tell me that Stern must be fined and driven off the radio because he uses the ''public airwaves.'' If they are public, then his listeners are the public, and we want to listen to him on our airwaves. The public airwaves cannot be held hostage to a small segment that wants to decide what the rest of us can hear -- especially now that President Bush supports consolidating more and more media outlets into a few rich hands. Do you want to know more? The right keeps saying that Clear Channel is a private corporation and that the 1st ammendment does not apply to them. Fuck that. They are still in America, it

The Punisher

REVENGE WEEKEND! 2 for the price of 1! ALL VENGENANCE MUST GO!!! Okay, it wasn't two for the price one, I still got shafted by The Man. So how was The Punisher? It was ok. Just ok. It had some funny parts, some cool action sequences, but it could have been better. Thomas Jane was alright, but nothing special. John Travolta was going thru the motions, he was just combining his styles from Pulp Fiction, Face/Off, and Swordfish, which if you think of it, is really just one style, but he does make a devilish bad guy. I thought Dave, Bumpo, and Joan were pointless characters. Gee, we have a revenge movie, how can we get Rebecca Romijn in it? Utterly pointless. No, no wait. She had a purpose, a teenage masturbatory purpose. Zing. They could have actually had a part to the story, instead they were just there taking up screen time. The only solid performance Eddie Jemison (Ocean's Eleven), but his role was small as well. This movie was pretty much Thomas Jane vs. John Travolta. I neve


Choose Kerry's running mate. Of the qualifications I chose, Wesley Clark is the man for the job. What about you?

Kill Bill Review Vol 2

Finally, the second half to the KILL BILL review... What can I say? This movie just has a presence to it that you cannot withstand. You almost want to leap out of your seat and make holy screams of joy throughout the viewing process of the film. It is nothing like like Volume 1 and in fact, is almost a polar opposite. Quentin Tarantino basically uses Volume 1, the gore fest, to completly setup the plot-driven, dialogue-heavy, Volume 2. Looking back, it seems that he intentionally created Volume 1 to be all action and hardly no plot, just to piss his critics off, only to have them all eat their words after Volume 2. Quentin has definitly not lost his touch. He still knows how to do great dialogue. The cast is phenominal. PHENOM, bitch. Michael Madsen, Daryl Hannah, Michael Parks, Gordon Liu, David Carradine, Sonny Chiba, Lucy Liu, and of course Uma Thurman are just spectacular. The chemistry is just amazing between Carradine and Thurman. There's so much more (tons of movie referenc

Kerry Slogan Generator

I thought you would all want to see this . Brought to you by the WizBang blog!

I love you all

Get Your Ebay On

Barry Bonds moves past Willie Mays , but the amazing(ly lucky) thing is... It was Bonds' 29th homer into McCovey Cove, where the ball was retrieved by Larry Ellison, the same kayaker who got Bonds' 660th and later gave it back to the slugger. That's right, the SAME guy got both, and he gave them back. Why the hell?!? People care way to much about baseball. For God's sake, take the money and run. UPDATE So does a baseball sink or float? I would say float, there's gotta be enough air in the damn ball to prevent it from sinking.


Julie (9:25:13 PM): I don't wanna be a mum me (9:25:20 PM): aw why not Julie (9:25:33 PM): because it comes out the cooter Julie (9:25:36 PM): ow This has been an Aim moment. Ah, I love living in the 21st century.

National Debt Clock Taken Down

The last time the clock went dark was in September 2000 - because the national debt was actually falling . It was plugged back in on July 2002 when the debt again began to rise. Do you want to know more? Hmmm I wonder why it was falling? Clinton? Nah!!!!


Now I have seen everything. BlogSex? BlogSex. BlogSex? BlogSex! My online-pal zoe has signed up for it. She's a kinky fellow chick. :p

Why be naked? Why not be naked?

In fact, being naked with other people somehow forces people to treat each other less sexually. Mike explained: "One of the governing mechanisms is that the men have to avoid having erections. That's a major faux pas, at a naked party. This means there's very little sexual conversation. Being naked puts everyone on the same level, kind of vulnerable. There's more eye contact, and more talk about the weather. At most clothed parties, it's more overt that people are hitting on each other--naked parties are actually less sexual." So, what is the point, then? To put it in the words of Brandon King, "People say, well, if it's not for sex, and it's not for hygiene, then why be naked? But the Pundits say, why not be naked?" Do you want to know more? I just found this interesting, and it's a good way to ask, have you ever streaked? via Roger

Question of the Day

What would YOU do for a klondike bar? TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!111

Your Easter Moment of Zen

The image has nothing do with child brides or cows or angry virgins. It just makes me giggle. Angry virgins tackle child bride ZULU King Goodwill Zwelithini's child bride has been fined a cow by outraged neighbours, who this week accused the 17-year-old teenager of violating Swaziland's prohibition on teenage marriage. Twenty virgin maidens, led by a senior tribal council elder, marched on Zola Mafu's modest family home outside Swaziland's sugar-growing town of Siteki last Saturday and refused to leave until they were given a cow . The chanting girls then promptly slaughtered the sacrificial beast, warning that they also intended to march on King Zwelithini's KwaKhangela palace 200km away in northern KwaZulu-Natal where Mafu is living in seclusion with Queen Mantfombi. I wonder how much a cow is actually worth. Like what's the exchange rate?

SDS: Sick, Disgusting, and Sad

Some people should not have kids. ST. LOUIS (AP) -- A severely disabled 16-year-old boy weighing just 40 pounds when he was rushed to the hospital is at the center of a multistate investigation. The boy, whose name was not released, was starving, dehydrated, appeared to be in shock and had bedsores, sunken eyes and protruding bones, said Ann Ricci, the emergency room physician who treated him at Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital in St. Louis. Do you want to know more?


I saw Hellboy last night. I finally broke down and saw it. As I am sure you all are well aware, I am not a big comic book guy, not even a little itty bitty one either. I don't care for them at all. But I do sometimes see the movie versions. I saw The Hulk, and of course the "man" ones, bat, super, and spider. But not the "men" ones. Yeah, I can handle a man, but not men. Okay, take that out of context, I dare you. So, Hellboy stars Ron Perlman (who I never heard of before, but glad I do now) as the man-demon and David Hyde Peirce plays the voice but not the body of his fishman friend, Abe Sapien. Other than that, you probably won't recognize anybody in this. Which is good, because then the focus is on what's most important: the story. The story is this: Nazis are bad people. They opened a portal to hell to increase their power in hopes of destroying the world and rebuilding it in a Nazi image. BUT THEN A PROFESSOR AND THE US ARMY SHOW UP AND BREAK THE PO

John Ashcroft made of little porn people

Check out this very revealing and appropre image of John Ashcroft. It's a real beauty.

Condi: I can't remember, I'm stupid

She testified that she did not remember whether she discussed with Bush concerns about al Qaeda cells inside the United States. "I don't remember the al Qaeda cells being something that we were told we needed to do something about," she said. Rice said that the FBI was pursuing the cells and that 70 full field investigations were under way. Do you want to know more? I do not believe one word from that elitist bitch's mouth. Lord only knows she got her job because Bush needed to fill a fucking quota. *redneck voice* Oooh look at me, I hired a darkie! OoooH! You can't call me a racist redneck now! Oooh! *redneck voice*

Free Pretzels!

The other day I was at the mall with some friends and were so hungry so naturally we migrated over to the food court, and to our surprise, the black guy at the pretzel store (I forget the actual name, but it only sells pretzels so who cares) was on his last day and was giving them away for free. It was only about 20 minutes til closing time, so he just started handing them out. But here's the funny part. We go outside since the other two went out to smoke, we told them, and one of them went back in and tried to get a free pretzel, and the guy responded with "I dunno what you talkin about", haha.


Ooooh! Guess what? I had twenty needles in my back today! I feel so refreshed. It's a great sensation. Each of the needles were basically "clearing" a different organ of it's toxins. Don't knock acupuncture, don't be hatin' the needles. It's 70 degrees here too, so it's an all around great day for me.

Teenage Smoking

Apparently lesbians are more likely to smoke, so let this be a lesson to you 12 to 17 year old girls: LIKE THE COCK! *rimshot* Teenage lesbian or bisexual girls are many times more likely to smoke regularly than straight girls their age. They are the worst hit by tobacco among all groups of young people, according to a new US study. Almost 40 per cent of teenage lesbian or bisexual girls aged between 12 and 17 said they smoked weekly compared with just six per cent of heterosexual girls in an ongoing study of 16,000 adolescents. Do you want to know more?

Mel Gibson: Hate Mongerer?

No, I don't think he is, nor did I right after I saw the Passion, but apparently somebody did, as it is a 'hit' among Arabs: CAIRO, Egypt - Hanan Nsour, a veiled, 21-year-old Muslim in Jordan, came out of "The Passion of the Christ" in tears and pronounced her verdict: Mel Gibson (news)'s crucifixion epic "unmasked the Jews' lies and I hope that everybody, everywhere, turns against the Jews." I do not think that "The Passion of the Christ" portrays all Jewish people badly. That would be like saying "Schindler's List" portrays all Germans as nazis, it's simply not true. Only the Jewish High Priests were the people who killed Jesus. The movie only paints a bad light on those individuals. I think this person didn't realize that Simon, a jew, helped Jesus with his cross and stood up for him. Well, according to Mel Gibson, and he's just one man with an opinion. That's all this movie is, folks. It's just the

A joke

I'm pretty tired today, so I will just post a joke which I told my friends yesterday. It was recieved fairly well. Question: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Answer: Slap her in the ass. It's so wrong, yet so so funny.

April Fools Day Roundup

Okay, if you haven't noticed, my blog is celebrating April Fools Day. Kevin thought it was "creative", while Fry was confused and felt like a dumbass. Oh well, that was kind of the point. FARK was rotating several strange splash pages, and flame wars started over Google's press release , about whether it was an April Fools joke or not, it isn't . And Homestar Runner tried to fool us into thinking it lost it's domain name. Ha.