Holy Shit.

The Department of Justice has launched a criminal investigation against the Bush administration. Like Oliver Willis said, "Someone in this White House has comitted treason, and we shouldn't rest until they are gone and in jail."

Scary. Just fucking scary.

Oh yeah, I rule.

I was disgusted that I was paying 265 bucks a month for Kaiser Permanente, which I get thru my work, so what did I do, I hit the net, found www.ehealthinsurance.com and then found a Personal Comp Blue Cross Blue Shield plan for only 106 bucks a month. I am going to save myself like 160 bucks every month. I know, I rule.

Did anybody call for a plumber?

General Wesley Clark wants an independant counsel investigation-- the same investigation technique use to look into President Clinton's sexual habits-- on that little leak to the press, except it's not really a little leak, why did I say little? It's a huge fucking leak, and there's something even more scary about this, it supposedly wasn't an accident.

In other news, on stage suicide now illegal, and from the why-didn't-I-think-of-that department, teen tricks people into buying bricks.

Still Seething

What is wrong with that picture?

Answer: Nothing...it's a picture of receiver Laveranues Coles catching a pass, taking 3 steps, holding on to the ball with both hands, and falling out of bounds.

Unbeknownst to myself, I was unaware that if you lose the ball when you land on the ground out of bounds, it makes your catch an incomplete pass. Silly me, I would have thought it would be called a 'fumble out of bounds' and thus going to the player who touched it last, in this case: Coles.

At least we won the game.

OMG. Wow.

I must be getting popular or something. I got the strangest referral. I got a referral from a yahoo profile! The best thing is that I have no clue who this person is. It is always nice to find out that some stranger likes something you've done. If you're reading this, adidasbabe518, you totally r0x0r.

The Rundown

Lame. Lame. Lame. This movie has promise but it seems to care more about being funny then being an action movie...which isn't a bad thing, it's a good cross of Indiana Jones & Ace Ventura, but the action is too easily achieved...I mean, the whole plot of the movie is based on some artafact, yet they have no trouble finding it. It's got wit and there's a great cameo in the beginning, fitting how The Rock has taken his* place in the film industry.

Good popcorn movie, nothing great. Take your girl to see "Anything Else", she won't be bored, and you'll have a better** chance of getting laid afterwards.

* hint: he's running for governor now
** Not making any guarantees.

Girls Gone Wild?

What the hell?

Buy your free girls gone wild here: girls gone wild? What the hell?

Wait, did you just ask me why eminem caused ben to break up with J.Lo? I don't know about that, but I do know that the california recall debate was full of witticisms and personal attacks.

Yes, this is operation: fuck up search.

Ball Fondling

Tomorrow I have the regular yearly physical-- it's always a great experience to get your balls fondled by some guy who you barely know, who also fondles many many more balls that aren't even yours.

Did I gross you out yet? Turn your head and cough.

A Rock's on Ebay

I mean, Iraq-- the country, is on Ebay-- the website. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is bogus, one typically must own what they are selling on ebay, but it's amusing nontheless.

Thanks to kevin for the link.

ATTN: Media Outlets

You know what pisses me off the most? Seeing a (D) or an (R) or even an (I) next to someone's name when they appear on a talk show or news show. And do you know why? Because whether you want to acknowledge it or not, there are people in this country who immediately disagree with somebody because they see that they're in a different political party. It's nonsense. Why is it important to tell people the party affiliation? Shouldn't the issues tell people that? Is it because Big Media thinks people are stupid and wouldn't recognize a political party by listening to a person talk about the issues? I think it's unfair to think that. I know there are people who are like that, but I don't think we should pander to them.

Let's encourage people to educate themselves on the issue so they don't need the alphabet to make their decisions for them.

RIAA = Dumbasses

Okay, this is Dumb with a capital D. The RIAA has accuses a devout mac user of using Kazaa to steal music. Kazaa isn't available on the mac. The RIAA should really put a little more thought into defense, maybe then they'd actually see that alienating your customers is not the way to combat music pirating.

Look, I buy CDs. I don't pirate movies either. But if there is one song (most likely brand new) I hear, I'll download that, and more often than not, I go to the store and buy the whole album. I support the artists. And I would love to see more artists become independant of the major record labels and use the internet to sell their own CDs. Cut out the fuckin middleman.

inspired by ryan

Like "Anything Else"

Just like anything else I would do, I went to the movies tonight, and saw Woody Allen's latest film, "Anything Else"...I was skeptical, with the exception of Hollywood Ending, his latest films have been stupid, but this one is his best since "Everybody Says I Love You", Jason Biggs totally flexes his acting muscle. I mean, in every non pie movie he did, I always saw him as the pie fucker, but during Anything Else, I saw him as Jerry Falk. That's his character, stupid.

Christina Ricci is hot, and Woody Allen isn't the main character, so there's other reasons than just Jason Biggs the non pie fucker, to see this movie. You should see it. It's not like anything else you've ever seen. Oooooh that was corny.

Jim's Big Ego's flash webeos

Howdy peeps. I don't feel like writing much today, so just pass the time with stress, concrete and little miss communication. Three great songs by one great band, and a corny sentence by bozzy. Really, they're just a local boston band.

over and out

I'm Okay!

Isabel came, kicked some ass, then left like the unwelcomed guest that she was. Up in here merl'nd (that's maryland) we mostly got heavy winds and rain, no thunderstorms at all, kinda odd there. The wind was crazy. I went out looking at all the damage last night around midnight and it was still blowing me around. Not much big damage, just lots of tree limbs down. Some of which are pretty big, but none of the trees fell on anything valuable, except my friend in gaithersburg, well her car. We thought we saw her house on tv, but who knows, they all look alike up here!

Today was spent just picking up all the sticks and crap that fell down, again nothing to major, but still a pain in the ass to collect up. My aunt and 4 cousins live in Virginia Beach and we haven't been able to reach them yet...they evacuated but I think one of my cousins' houses got completely flooded. I hope they are allright. They probably are. I also hope sam is allright. He probably is.

I'm counting myself lucky that we didn't get the brunt of the hurricane, if Isabel went up the Chesapeak bay, it would have been so much worse, man. I feel bad for Governor Ehrlich, it hasnt even been a year since he took office and he's already had a major freakin snowstorm (27 inches) and a fuckin hurricane to mess up his state.

I'm gonna hang a bit then see Cabin Fever, which oddly enough I haven't seen yet.

SCRATCH THAT
The entire shopping area where the united artist theater is has had no power all day. Not just UA. The ENTIRE shopping area. I know it's tough on the city, but damn, this is like the 5th time this year that whole complex has lost power. And supposedly all the power lines are underground in columbia. That's when you know you suck.

How to shoot yourself in the foot

stolen from http://id.ctch.net/~gkuhn/shoot_foot.php

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep- fried.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Apple: We'll let you shoot yourself, but it'll cost you a bundle.
Arc Macro Language: You create a gun polygon and a bullet polygon. &Then &you &realize &that &your &foot &is &in &another UTM &zone.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

Listen up!

Moo.
Moo bear.
MOO BEAR!!!!
MOO BEAR DONKEY NUTS!!!!!

1000 words

The Hiring Process of Corporate America

1. Look at the skills. Try to pick the best person for the job.
2. In the event of a tie, look at race.
3. Run by the HR department to get the latest quota.
4. Ignore the quota and waste time and bitch about it being a hard decision.
5. Look at race again.
6. In the event that it's still tied, look at sex. (No, not surf the net for porn, that's the last step)

7. Since we all know (or at least try to pretend) that no two penii are alike, this makes for a great way to decide, as eenie meenie miney mo is childish and just stupid. Go for the biggest penis possible. Again, no two penii are alike, and hell, one of the applicants may be arroused, so yank down their pants and compare! (see image) You know the old saying...the bigger cock gets the worm...or something like that. If one of the applicants is in fact arroused, this will be an easy decision, pick the hardest one, and throw the flacids and women out.
8. If by some act of God that there is still a virtual deadheat, then go back to the skills and pick the best person for the job, after fudging the application a bit, or even re-writing it. Remember: Always fudge a white applicant with a big penis.
9. Now look at porn.

But wait! Some liberal-lovin-jew-fuckin organization has caught on to you! Quickly make up some excuse to cancel the hire, and go with the least qualified black male with erectile dysfunction (or better yet: a black female), ya know, to make affirmative action look bad to cease it's use. I believe your rich white buddies on your softball team call this "taking one for the team", as opposed to "taking one up the ass" by that liberal organization.

Hopefully the above won't happen to you and will be able to hire your favorite white guy with the biggest penis (but not bigger than yours, remember that!), because that is what makes American companies so great, BIG PRICKS!!!!

Supercane Isabel

Yesterday I briefly told you all about this big category 5 (winds 150+mph) hurricane named Isabel. It's coming right towards the Chesapeake Bay, Virigina Beach, Ocean City, Baltimore, ya know, places where shit loads of people live. It's really fucking scary. Luckily, Columbia is high enough above sea level (like 700ft) that it'll probably be okay flood wise, but my house hasn't ever experienced high winds like the kind in a 5 'cane. The most we've ever had over here was like 85mph, but those were just periodic gusts. I'm pretty fucking scared about the possibility of all my windows being blown out and the roof lifting off. I'll let you know if I shit my pants.

Say it ain't so, joe!

BEN AND J.HO SPLIT

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Hollywood celebrity couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have split up, at least temporarily, after postponing their wedding over a media frenzy, People magazine reported on Sunday.

The magazine's Web site quoted unidentified sources as saying Affleck decided he wanted out of the relationship, but it was not certain if the break-up will be permanent.

Aww, I am SO upset. Where's my violin?

Can you smell the sarcasm this morning? Shit, I think that's the bacon. Ciao

Once Upon A Time in Mexico

Ah, Robert Rodriguez. Watching his flicks are like music to my ears, if I were a musician. He's the man. He knows action. When you go see one of his flicks, you don't care about the 'how' but rather the 'when', because you're just enjoying the thing so much. In other words, it's not how it's going to happen, how the story will unfold, it's when, and with how many guns and ammunition.

"Once Upon a Time in Mexico" is the third installment in a series a flicks Mr. Rodriguez started in 1992 with just $7,000. That was the cost of "El Mariachi", and a few years later, he got the chance to play with the story again in "Desperado", this time on a Hollywood budget! And now, he has truely become the master of action. I'd strip that title away from John Woo and proudly hand it to Mr. Rodriguez. Yes.

The action in 'Mexico couldn't be any more masterful. Guns never run out of ammo, unless they're supposed to; single shots propel people 10, 20 feet into the air; and John Woo couldn't even dare to do better.

Aside from the pornographic violence, which is done to perfection, there's those great one-liners. Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo, Willem Dafoe, all have their fair share of the great Rodriguez script.

Which reminds me, not only does Mr. Rodriguez direct to perfection here, he writes... Shoots... Chops.. Scores... and even designs the costumes. For you normal people, that means he's the director, the writer, the cinematographer, the editor, the composer, and the production designer. Wow. I'm not worthy. I'm scum, I suck.

If anybody says this film is weak, or that it's just a bunch of impossible action, then they haven't seen a Rodriguez flick before. They don't understand. You have to suspend disbelief when you go see one his films.

Just sit back and relax, and enjoy his show.

Wow, who'd a thunk it?

I hear file sharing is legal, yes legal in Canada. Ah, the joy of sex. Wait, no, this isn't about sex. Fuck.

Oh yeah, file sharing is legal in Canada. Makes you think. About sex. ... NOT AGAIN!

WTF!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!

I just read over at sam's that John Ritter died!!! This has to be bogus!!!! I've been seeing clips for his new show on ABC all summer, and it looked pretty great, this isn't fair!

Geez, I get home and first I hear that Johnny Cash died, then moments later and I hear that John Ritter died, it sucks. They were such great entertainers. I haven't been this upset over a dead celebrity since John Candy died. It took me like 2 weeks to get over his death, and that's a lot considering I never knew him personally, lol. John Candy was the bomb, no other comedian has topped him yet. John Ritter was great too, it's just not right. He was so young.

I'm gonna sulk in my dark room some, then go see cabin fever, if my mom gets back with the car in time. I hate sharing cars. I won't get my car back for 3 weeks. But who care's about that, John Ritter is dead! WTF!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Al Franken is a Freakin Genius

I ordered his book from amazon.com a few days ago and it arrived this afternoon-- I AM LOVING IT. It is quality shizzle. There's a chapter called "Ann Coulter: Nutcase" which is followed immediately by a chapter called "You know who I hate? Ann Coulter." Fuckin' A, man. Al Franken completely and utterly disects the bile of filth that Ann Coulter calls her book, it's just attrocious how that fucking bitch is so careless with her writing. ONE WORD BITCH: RESEARCH. Do some. Actually, call the whole book thing off, books are overrated anyway, why read when there's foxnews? *shudder*

It's funny. I never actually read a damn thing about Ann Coulter, I'm not one to waste my time on that, so I just take advice from other people and believe them when they call her an elitist whore, oops I called her that. I'm sure others agree tho. In other words, that bitch doesn't deserve my time.

I want to just start pulling quotes from this book, but I don't know where to begin, it would be more efficient if you just read it for yourself. Not trying to be a commerical-- ah fuck it, yes I am, Al Franken deserves it.

Thinking about the past

This has been on my mind for a long time. And by a long time, I mean as long as I can remember. What is it? A question:

What existed before the Universe? Before the big bang? Was there life? If that answer is no, did time exist? Was it just a bunch of star dust and whatnot?

I can never really get close to answer this question, because it is almost beyond comprehention. We are always used to their being life, or some kind of life. The idea or notion that there wasn't ANYTHING, just a vat of nothingness is impossible to comprehend for us, for we have only known the Universe with life and time. It's a scary thought.

Anybody have anything to add?

Dirty Spin on Famous Cliches

I am bored, so I am adding subtle spins to famous cliches.

CLICHE: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
DIRTY SPIN: I'm so horny I could eat a horse.

CLICHE: If you build it, he will come.
DIRTY SPIN: If you stoke it, he will cum.

CLICHE: Ants in his pants.
DIRTY SPIN: Aunts in his pants.

CLICHE: All things grow with love.
DIRTY SPIN: Painfully obvious and too dirty for my site.

CLICHE: Beat around the bush.
DIRTY SPIN: Not needed.

CLICHE: Easy as falling off a log.
DIRTY SPIN: Easy as droppin off a log.

Okay, it's your turn.

Mother-Son Convo You Have NEVER Heard

NEVER.

Son: Mommy, can I ask you a question?
Mommy: Sure baby

Before I continue with the convo, I want to explain that this was actually said between J and I when we were driving up to Jersey. We got bored in the car, and just started roleplaying. Continue on...

7 Ways to Be Cool

I thought I would share with you something from the slacker's guild...they may come in handy for some of you, :p

1. Actually go outside periodically. Note that by periodically, I mean more than once a week.

2. Talk to real people. You know, there's a lot you miss out on when you live through text conversations alone.

3. Realize that you have nothing to lose. Why? Because then you can ask out any person, say what's on your mind, and do anything you want, because you know you have nothing to lose. Ask out that cute person you have a thing for! If you don't ask, you'll never get any anyway, so you may as well ask and at least know you're not missing out.

4. Exercise. This is as simple as going for reflective walks now and then. You'll feel more alive.

5. Recognize that there are people who don't live their lives in computers. How dare you think someone is an idiot because they don't know how to configure their TCP/IP. As if you could fix your car or VCR or Flowbee if required. Everyone has specialized knowledge, and you shouldn't be an asshole about yours (P.S. If you use a Flowbee, that's another geek sign).

6. Smile. You'd have no idea how helpful this is in getting people to like you and talk to you. Smile, sourpuss!

7. Do something nice for someone for no particular reason. So many dorks are incredibly self-absorbed and anti-social, and generally have a nasty, condescending attitude. It feels good to do nice things, and it makes you truly cool.

Try any of them.

Labor Day 2003

If getting into a no foolin car accident (well only about a 4.5 out of 10 on the shockometer) in New Jersey was bad enough, the fact that it was labor day and pretty much everything was closed was just an insult to injury.

Yes, I rear-ended some car in Jersey because they stopped while merging, and while I did see them, I thought for sure in the time I was looking back at traffic that they would have gone...but they hadn't, and me (stupidly) started to go before turning my head...I would never have made this mistake in a familar place...but I was sorta lost trying to find a house to pick up friends (yeah, the same from the earlier post, Stacey and Jenna) that I was really thinking about too many steps at once...lol...the funny part is that I made great time on I-95 North. I left the house at like 8:30 and I took 95 all the way to philly (like how I went home) and got into Jersey by like 10:15...the accident happend at like 11:15. oh the irony

So yeah, my first accident that involved the police showing up...well it was the Camden County Park Police...it was infront of some park, lol. My car is still in jersey, at the towing place, and should be getting fixed, despite that the tow company said it was totalled. Haha, the only things wrong are the headlights are popped out (but they still are connected, lol), the airbags deployed, and the fenders are kinda dinged, but the front part is not crushed, it's soooo not totalled. The tow company also said it was old. Hello? It's a 96 Honda Accord with only 69k miles on it. Hondas can make it to 250k easily. It's pretty damn great for being 7 years old. They just wanted to strip it for parts, those fuckers.

Anyway, I wound up spending last night (with my two friends, who found me because I had gotten into the accident only a mile from the house I was trying to find, oh the sweet sweet irony, think of the irony) at some ghetto fabulous motel for only 62 bucks while we got the inssurance claim process started and all that fun shizznizzle. Nobody was injured, thankfully. The airbags fucking surprised me, they didn't even touch me, I was so shocked that they deployed. I was like, wtf shit, that was too easy. It was like that scene in MIB2 when the auto pilot guy deployed while Agent J was driving the new hottness, lmao.

Back to the ghetto fabulous motel room, to save money we only got a one bedroom room, so that bed had orgy written all over it...okay, in my dreams, but I swear, one of them grabbed my ass in their sleep last night. haha o_O

So I am home now. My mommy drove up to Jersey and picked us up and drove us home, I know aww. I have some pics of this ghetto fabulous motel room but my cell is charging right now, so I will send them to my ta site tomorrow. Til then, peace homies