Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Avoid the Lombard Street Gatorade Guy

Being in Baltimore City a lot, you run the possibility of running into weirdos. For example, there's this one crack-skinny black lady (usually in Fells Point) who comes up to people asking for light rail / bus money, and if you say you can't break your 20 dollar bill, don't let her see it, because she will snatch it away from you like an angry seal. But I'm not talking about that dope fiend. Let her flop around Fells Point.

I'm talking about the Lombard Street guy. You usually see him anywhere between Pratt and Light streets, and he ALWAYS has a Gatorade bottle in his hands. The bottle of Gatorade also always looks like it has urine in it. You see him walk over to the car that's a few cars in front of you, and you think, "He won't come over here, the light will be green before that." But the light doesn't change, and you realized a little too late that your windows are down and you're now too afraid to hit the button that makes them automatically cut off your passenger's hair go up, because you don't want him to know you're scared. Little miss prissy pants you.

So he comes over to the car and the open window thanks to stupid, scared out of your wits you. He apologizes like we give a damn. He kneels down on the street right by your car door (but not close enough you could easily knock him out by suddenly opening your door), as if he's suddenly found religion in a Gatorade bottle, and he says that he is from Cockeysville, Timonium, or White Marsh, or some other city in that general vicinity. He may move around a lot and change his city, but damn, he'll always say his truck broke down and that needs money for a cab. He's still on his knees. People are looking. Babies are crying. Dealers are dealing. Cops are at Brick Oven Pizza.

DRIVE AWAY! I don't care if the light is red, you fucking punch it! I've seen him get aggressive with that bottle of Gatorade. It really could be a bottle of piss you don't know. While piss is pretty harmless, do you really want to be near a fellow who carries it around? It's fucking digusting and you shouldn't hang around those crowds. That's why you drive away. And hopefully clip his feet.

Kids, don't let the grifters keep you out of the city and from going to your precious clubbin' night at Iguana Cantina (or even Club Choices). Just remember of all the grifters running about the city, there's only one that possess a Gatorade bottle and kneel down and say they're from Cockeysville or Timonium or White Marsh or some other city that's nearby those. This is the most dangerous one. Avoid him like the plague Carmen Electra Wolverine Ben Stiller.

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