Left sock went full war criminal on my toaster. Toaster said bet and started yeeting bagels like missiles into the neighbor’s koi pond. Fish were pissed. I’m standing there in one sock eating cold ass pizza at 9am like it’s normal.
Squirrels outside keep staring at me. They 100% stole my wifi password. I swear.
Then an avocado tried to recruit me for the government?? Whispered “buy more crypto” every time I cut it. Kevin the goldfish just gave me the side eye like “don’t do it dumbass” (yes I named him Kevin, fight me)
Tried teaching the robot vacuum the Macarena for 45 mins. It sucked up my motivation instead. Iconic.
Also why do flamingos stand on one leg?? Protest?? Against socks?? I’m onto them.
Cloud today looked exactly like my ex’s trash haircut. Would rain on it again.
If you see a shopping cart doing donuts in the parking lot… yeah that’s mine. It escaped again.
Who else naming houseplants after 90s rappers? Tupac the Fern is UNDEFEATED. Biggie the cactus? Dead. RIP king 💀
Moral: never trust raccoons with leftovers. If you see me yelling at clouds just wave, I’m winning the argument.
What’s the weirdest shit you’ve dreamed lately? Hit me I need to know I’m not the only one losing it 🍕🧦🐿️
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